This is my heart simply put into words.

pound my knuckles hard against the floor. my head against the wall. i did this to myself.

2009-06-16T02:26:00.003-05:00

I lot is going on.
Something is happening to me that I can't quite explain.
I haven't feel like myself lately, nor have i acted that way.
I am pushing away the person that means the most to me.
I don't want to lose another person that means this much to me.
I can't lose him.
No one wants me around anymore because of these moods.
And frankly I don't blame them.
I don't even want to be around myself when I am like this.
At the moment, I am not sure what it is that's triggering it.
Or how to prevent it, or make it go away.

I am so lost.
So confused.
and so alone in this.

well. apparently i forgot about this for a month

2009-04-29T02:01:00.002-05:00

to catch you all up really fast:

im not moving to indianapolis anymore. at least not any time soon. im going to school instead.
i recently realized im in love with my best friend, and yes, he knows. and no, we aren't dating.
my birthdays in 3 weeks. i feel like im getting so old, so fast, and have yet to do anything with my life.
im starting to learn how to love trust and believe again.
im making A LOT of changes in my life, and starting to become okay with feeling certain ways and slowly learning how to deal with them.

as for this moment, this song is my exact feelings put into a musical form:

Sorry - Maria Mena

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

take what you will from it.

i am going to address three people in this blog

2009-03-28T22:50:00.002-05:00

but they will remain nameless.
when each of them reads what i wrote, they will know its for them, and who the other two are, im sure.
the rest of you will be left guessing.

person 1: I thought you couldn't stand me when i first met you. I got to know the others so fast, and became close with them almost instantly. With us, it took some time, but now, you really are my best friend. There's things that we share, that nobody else in our lives do. Things we've only experienced and things only we understand. You tell me the things I need to hear, and not the things i want to hear. You should be a personal advice-giver, and i believe that solely because i've never gotten a bad, or even anything close to bad, piece of advice from you. You're an incredible person, and everyone that knows you, i guarantee, will agree with me. You're what keeps me believing this worlds not gone dead.

person 2: We've had our rough patches, i think mainly because we're so similar with our personalities. Even though we may butt heads sometimes, I don't know what i would do with out you. You're still so young, but you're so smart. You've learned lessons, and have taught me some too. I wouldn't trade a single memory with you for anything in the world. I'm lucky to have a friend like you. so. lucky.

person 3: and one of the greatest people to ever enter my life. I go crazy every time i realize that i haven't known you long, at all, and yet i feel like ive known you my entire life. you have taught me so much about myself, and the way i am with other people, and have helped me fix the things i have felt needed fixing for a while. you taught me that its okay to love people and its okay to trust people. theres things about me that i know only you can understand, whether you realize it or not. I have never once in my life, been more comfortable with myself or around other people than i am when i am in your presence. i could go on for days about how incredible i think you are, and how i don't understand why you have insecurities. I do not want how close we are to ever diminish. i may sound crazy, but you are a big part of my life, and im sure you know that. i am so grateful to have met you and to have such a caring and loving person in my life and someone to show me light in the things i dislike most in myself. i think you're a better person than most people see. i love you so much, and i always will. there will always be a little section of my heart saved for you. you know i could use somebody, some one like you and all you know and how you speak.

i ran across

2009-03-28T03:44:00.002-05:00

a song that i've loved dearly since the first time i heard it over a year ago.
though im not too fond of the band, or some of the members in it, the lyrics have a lot of meaning, and a lot of great memories for me. when i get the chance to, i will type out the lyrics and post them on here, but since its nearly 4 am, and im going to be waking up in about 5 hours, i will do that another night.

i've been incredibly lonely and partially depressed. im still not dealing with somethings the healthiest way or even at all. you would think since its been almost 8 full months, i would know how to live with out you, but its harder than i had expected. so many things remind me of you and everything you taught me. you were the most beautiful person, inside and out, that has ever entered my life. i know all you wanted was for me to be happy, healthy, and safe, and thats what i am doing. i've made so many changes in my life since you left, and the only reason i realized i needed to changed these things, was because of you. I can not thank you enough for what you have done for me and for just being the amazing person you were. i love you so much and i miss you more as the days pass by.

i laugh, because it reminds me everything will be okay.

i love you.
so much.

just. one. person.

2009-03-20T22:40:00.003-05:00

I've had this intense feeling of loneliness over coming me lately.
along with another feeling I can't quite put a name to.
I've been feeling weird, not like myself.
I feel like I am messing up things that I love, and that I may lose someone close if I keep it up.
I am not realizing I am doing this till it is already done.
it's really starting to make me not happy.

I am sorry to anyone, predominately one person who knows who he is, that I have been acting weird towards these past weeks.
I've been spending a lot of time completely alone, meaning I've been spending too much time thinking about things and coming up with some absurd things and starting to make my self believe them.
I'm working on changing this. It is going to take time. But it needs to be done.

I haven't been myself, mainly this past 2 weeks.
Something inside me is making me feel different.
I can feel it starting to take over.
But all I want is for it to go away.

once again, I'm sorry.

from this point forward

2009-03-19T23:19:00.001-05:00

i am NOT keeping my mouth shut.
this is getting ridiculous, and everyone knows it.
i will stick up for my friends, and my self, whether you want to hear what i say or not.

grow the fuck up and realize what you're doing.

i've come to realize.

2009-03-11T00:36:00.003-05:00

that as much as i hate the saying, its true. i am hopelessly single.

i guess i've always been that way. i just never wanted to admit it.

bad night.

so its been a while

2009-03-08T20:12:00.002-05:00

lets see.

i've decided to move to indianapolis.
ill be living there hopefully within the next 6 months to a year.
i've come to realize that i am happy with the person i have become/i am becoming.
its now been about 2 months since i've talked to my sister.
im proud of my self for standing up for what i think is right.
i have decided to make my self more "worldly", as drew put it, and am starting to read more and watch more movies.
im finally making that step to make myself happy.
its about damn time.

in other news.
this weekend was one of the best i've had in a long time.
i saw my babes from indianapolis.
met some chill new people.
got hit on by one drunk guy, and was offered into a hotel room and beer by another guy (don't worry, i declined.)
and the aftermath i am currently feeling, is not cool, but was totally worth it.
i have two things left to say:
1: I'm trying to fucking sleep.
2: stagefrightbrett.

i love my life.
end of story.

i am in indianapolis

2009-02-17T13:15:00.002-06:00

again.

i leave to go home tomorrow night, and frankly i don't want to.
i have too much fun and feel completely like myself when im down here.
this feels more like home to me than any other place i have ever lived or traveled to.

if you can wait til i get home

2009-02-08T14:34:00.002-06:00

then i swear we can make this last.

after that phone conversation last night, i really cannot wait to see you again. you reassured me of somethings i have insecurities about with out even knowing i had them. that says something big to me.

tell me something sweet to get me by.

hey darling

2009-02-06T23:02:00.002-06:00

i hope you're good tonight.
and i know you don't feel right when i'm leaving.

i have realized that no matter how upset i am when i go down to indianapolis, every time i leave, i come home happy and relaxed and no longer stressed out. i just had the best week in indiana i think i have ever had. i made new friends, gained new nicknames, saw some great movies, and had a good time. getting sick and feeling as terrible as i do now was completely and utterly worth it, and i can absolutely not wait to do it all over again next weekend.

ps: the new a day to remember cd = amazing.

this past week

2009-01-28T23:31:00.000-06:00

has been far too emotionally and mentally draining for me.
not to mention its going by unbearably slow and I just want it to be the weekend already so I can see my ladies.
Tomorrows the day I've been waiting for for a very long time now. I will wake up friday morning with a colorful arm and I can't wait for it.

We're at the ground floor, but our numbers, they only, get higher from here.

you prefer honesty

2009-01-28T10:59:00.002-06:00

and yet you're no longer speaking to me because i was honest with you?
makes perfect sense.

get over yourself.

not knowing what to do

2009-01-23T12:31:00.002-06:00

in certain situations really sucks.
i know the timing wasn't best for us, but does that mean in the future something wont happen? i know just friends is what we agreed on, but what about after you've focused on yourself and fixed the things that you felt needed fixing? i don't know if i should try to move on, or wait. i know you're worth the wait, but i don't want to put myself through a wait for nothing if its not going to happen.
on the other hand. there kind of is someone else. i haven't known him long at all, and i don't know how well i can trust him or depend on him to be there, like i can with you. a big part of me for some reason has a big feeling that he talks to others the same way he talks to me, but a big part of me also feels hes sincere when he says the things he says to me. i don't know if i should move on, or if i should wait. its a decision i almost wish i didn't have to make. you will always be a big part of my life, just as you have been the past years we've known each other. i don't want to move on, and risk what could be with us in the future, but i don't want to be stuck on you and not know what could have been with someone else.

this doesn't even begin to describe what my head and heart are going through right now.

i think its funny how

2009-01-19T22:28:00.001-06:00

your actual family, can turn out to not be family at all.
and all those people you met along the way, become your real family.

i am so over this.

i just dont know what to do.

2009-01-18T21:37:00.003-06:00

its hurting me so much to see you like this and i wish so badly that there was something i could do. i know what she did hurts more and more as the days pass, trust me i do. i hate her more than i can express for doing this to us, mainly you. you gave up you life for us, and you did not deserve this. im doing everything i can to get you to feel better, but it seems theres nothing i can do. im here, and you know that. i love you and thats all i can say for now.

things could definitely be better right now.
i want it to be january 30th already.
and i need a serious vacation right now.

well, I was told other wise.

2009-01-14T09:55:00.000-06:00

I am very glad this ended the way it did.
Maybe its for the best we not be together, considering how good of friends we've been for 2 years now.
All I have wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to focus on the things that need fixing.
I care for you so much, and you know that.
You know that no matter what, I will be here to help and support you in any way I can.

In other news: you'd think by now, scientists would have come up with medications that are 100% effective.

these nights are getting colder and colder.

2009-01-07T00:34:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. The winter does that to me from time to time. Far more often than id like it to. I don't know if its simply because I always find myself staying up late, never with any body else, or if its simply because I am always catching my mind wandering off and thinking about something hundreds of miles away. Or maybe its both. Either way, I no longer want to feel it. I know if its my mind thinking of someone, I need reassurance from that someone to not feel the lonliness, but I don't want to need that anymore. I want to be able to just know with out being constantly reminded. I need to be able to trust that if that person felt a different way than previously stated, that they would tell me. But for now, I need the reassurance. Forgive me if im asking too much, this is just the way I was made.

im sitting on a coach bus

2008-12-29T20:08:00.000-06:00

Next to a guy that talks like this guy I dated years ago.
He keeps laughing to himself and moving his news paper from his lap, to the window, then to the seat, then closer to his face. ADHD much?

Im about an hour and a half away from indianapolis.
Which really means im an hour and a half away from relaxation, excitement, and almost complete happiness.

I need food.

mondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymonday.

2008-12-27T22:51:00.000-06:00

Obvz I can't wait for monday.
Indianapolis for the week with amanda hotshotts and bbychlz.

Its about damn time.

guilt.

2008-12-17T11:18:00.002-06:00

i've recently realized the feeling of guilt is one of the worst feelings to ever come to me. I honestly feel guilty for not letting you back in my life, but at the same time, i don't want you back in my life. I still believe what you did is unforgivable and having you in my life is just a constant reminder of that. You have been trying so hard to help me, and i appreciate it. Half of me knows for a fact that if something serious were to happen to you, id kick my self for not letting you back in, but then the other half of me just keeps saying you've lived this long by yourself, so why would you need or want her now.

I need to start focusing on myself a little bit more, considering i really don't at all. its much easier for me to focus on others, and fix their problems and always put mine on the back burner. but i've come to realize thats probably not very healthy for me. I need to start be honest with my self, and realizing when i have problems and fixing them. Focusing more on my health, and mental and emotional states. Its going to take a lot of work, and im going to hate doing it. but i think its nessacary.

so im sitting outside of work with our cleaning lady

2008-12-13T05:51:00.000-06:00

Waiting for my manager right now. This is the most awkward situation I think I've ever been in at 6:54am. Its cold. Im tired. She smells and can't speak any english and just kind of stares at me.

I currently can't feel my toes and am not looking forward to work.

But what I am looking forward to is happening in a mear 9 days. And I can't wait.

:)

all i want for christmas is:

2008-12-08T00:05:00.002-06:00

a new immune system.
and you to be here.

please, and thank you.

im going on week 6 of being sick, and its getting a little worse.
my throats a bit swollen and the nose is stuffed up with god knows what.

though i should sleep, i think im going to be doing some christmas shopping tomorrow. i only have 2 weeks left and haven't bought a single thing yet. ugh.

also, everyone needs to listen to the song Instant Pleasure by Rufus Wainright.
it makes me laugh.

goodnight for now.
miss you all.

I trusted my instinct for once

2008-11-28T11:11:00.003-06:00

and it worked out the way I was hoping.

I was hesitant to bring that topic up with you, but im so so glad I did. I was worried things were going to go the way they commonly have in the past, but the fact that it didn't proves you're not the same as the others. I feel so relieved, and I am so happy things are working out this way. You truely are a great person.

the next 24 days are going to go by just as slow as the past week has.

as I look up to the sky to count the stars

2008-11-21T10:44:00.000-06:00

I wonder if you see them where you are.

These past two days have been great.
The lack of sleep and the excess of cold weather was totally worth it.

30 days and counting.

im holding it against you

2008-11-14T18:32:00.000-06:00

For knowing the words.
What to say to make my heartbeat stop.

Before I went, I knew going to indianpolis was something I needed really bad.
Little did I know, something I've wanted to happen for so long, did.
Now I have an aggonizing wait for wednesday. So I can unmiss the person im missing.

The people that matter know who im talking about, and I hope he does to.

A note to the person this is about: heavy blankets and cuddle sesh's. Nuff said.

tonights one of those nights.

2008-11-08T21:46:00.002-06:00

ive been looking forward to finally hanging out with you for a while. you're one of my favorite people to talk to, mainly because you seem to have a light heart and always make me laugh no matter what. I'm just done with getting my hopes up and feeling like you just tell me we'll hang out so you don't have to tell me that you really don't want to hang out. I know what its like to be a busy person, trust me I do, but you honestly can't sit there and tell me you have no time to hang out or anything when half the time when i text you you're going out or you're already out or something. I know you have friends and everything, but the last time I checked we were friends too. Its getting old putting forth all of this effort for what seems like nothing. Feel free to let me know when you're finally free. Just hope that I am too.

well this past week was....eventful?

2008-11-01T01:21:00.002-05:00

first things first: travis langolf can fall off the face of the earth for all i care. i have done nothing but good things for you and have been nothing but a great friend to you, and this is how i get treated? i was patient with you, i stopped talking to you and just let you come to me. but tonight is the end of all of this crap. what you did 2 months ago makes no sense, and wasn't called for one bit. i tried and put forth as much effort as i could let myself put forth and i got nothing. when you contacted me monday night i thought to myself "oh, maybe he has finally realized what he is doing." but like always, i was wrong. you bailed on me 2 days later, then continued to lead me on about other matters. i am beating myself up over this. telling myself i should have never trusted you. i should have never helped you. i should have never believed a word out of your fucking mouth. but how was i to know you'd turn out like every single other person i was ever like this with? i thought you were different, i thought you really did care, and you really werent like the other 2 ass holes in your band, but you are. and it hurts knowing thats what you've turned into.

honestly. i miss the days when you called me YOUR hayley williams. and when i would call you travis/caleb/martin/ryanross. and having dance parties to every type of music in dennys parking lots. and sitting in the hospital with you for 7 straight hours to make sure you weren't going to die. i guess i just miss having a best friend.

ps: amanda hotshotts is amazing. and i love you. and i miss you already. and i will forever be your faraway frank. and dont you worry.....my buns will be back there in noooo time =)

here's to starting over.

2008-10-19T00:26:00.002-05:00

so i've decided on somethings.
theres things about me i need to change.
like my trust and commitment issues.
and i need to stop taking a lot of things so personally.
and that i need to rid of a lot of things in my life, mainly people and habits.

I deleted 214 people from my phone book, about 50 poeple from my buddy list, and approx 500 from my friends list on myspace. most of which were people i felt were a negative impact in my life.

I threw away 2 garbage cans filled with things from my past (notes, letters, cards, pictures, etc) that i don't feel the need to hold on to any longer. and i still have more boxes and things to go through.

it felt very relieving and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

i have a lot of work to do on myself these next couple weeks.
don't worry, its all for the better.

fuck this. im done.

2008-10-17T23:52:00.002-05:00

I am DONE with people. D-O-N-E. it seems the popular thing to do lately is to lead people to believe something that isn't true.
people need to grow the fuck up and stop being selfish and learn to care about other people and what you say to them.

don't tell me you promise we'll hang out then put forth ZERO effort.
don't tell me you care when you refuse to do a single thing to show it.
if you say you're going to do something then do it.
stop lying.
stop saying things to satisfy a person for that point in time.

well that was unexpected.

2008-10-04T23:08:00.001-05:00

it honestly shocks me that you think it's that easy.
that you expect me to let you back in that easily.
especially with no apology whatsoever.

you're quite the character.

you always miss a best friend.

2008-10-03T00:25:00.000-05:00

Reuniting with an old best friend next wednesday. I have a good feeling about this.

goodbye, lay the lame on luck.

2008-10-01T14:15:00.002-05:00

I've lost numerous people in my time. Friends, best friends, family members, etc.
This time it just hurts so much more knowing I didn't do anything to explain you acting this way towards me. It hurts so much knowing I cannot call you my best friend any more, knowing you're chosing to no longer be in my life. Though you were only in my life physically for a couple months, you've changed the way I see people and I see the world, and you will be in my life forever, just as a memory. You have taught me more about myself and why I do the things I do than any other person I have ever encountered. Thank you for being there for me the times that you were there, and its going to be hard not having you there any more. I hope you live your dream, and I hope you are happy in whatever it is that you do. I love you and I always will. There will always be a spot saved for you in my life if you chose to come back.

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."

when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

2008-09-26T00:21:00.002-05:00

its hard not having someone to talk to about certain things.
when the person who is always and has always been there, all of a sudden isn't.
ive tried talking to you, but for some reason you choose not to respond to me.
i don't know if its because you were busy, if so it would be nice to be told that.
i don't know if you just don't care, lets hope thats not the case.

it would just be nice to have my best friend back again.

in other news:
my day sucked.

one:im not on my medication anymore, which means im feeling terrible. words don't explaing how much pain ive been in for the past 2 days. i've literally just been sleeping except for the couple hours i was out getting my car broken.

which leads me to two: my car died on me today. awesome. i drove all the way out to orland square mall, to pick up someone that wasn't there, and to have my car die on me. then had to sit there, alone, waiting for my dad to drive out a jump start it.

three: i got a message from colleen today. shes going through a divorce at the moment and decided she wanted to send me some of the things her soon-to-be ex gave her, so i could get them appraised and sell them so i can keep the money for anything i wish to use it for. school, medical bills, a car, moving, charity, anything. i don't know what to do. its one of those things where i could really use the money, but do i want her to think this is me letting her back in? because it sure as hell isnt.

and last but no least, four: i called my doctors office yesterday morning at about 11:30 and the receptionist took a message. one of his nurses called me back about 2 hours later asking what i needed to speak to him about and said she'd leave a message for him to call me back, and i have yet to get a call back. awesome. its been pretty much 2 days, and i have yet to hear back from my doctor about whether or not i can get put back on my medication and stop feeling like im dying.

i just needed you to pick me up...

ugh.

2008-09-24T03:22:00.000-05:00

I hate the fact that im only 19, and I already have a life long health problem. And of course I can't afford it either. Not having health insurance, and having to go see a specialist doctor AND a $60/month prescription is killing me. Im 19 for godsake. I shouldn't have to do this.

I just needed you to pick me up, like you did when we were younger. when the lightening and the thunder had me clinging to your heart.

2008-09-23T01:53:00.002-05:00

one thing inparticular has brought on my trust issues this week.

about three years ago, i met this guy that was my definition of incredible.
things were great, i liked him a lot, he made me think he liked me.
he even called me one minute after midnight on new years and said he wished i could have been there with him so he could have kissed me at midnight.
perfect.
that is until i found out he had done something ill never forget.
earlier in the day of new years eve he slept with my best friend at the time.
then still had the nerve to call me that night.
i found out about them together, and we had quite the falling out.
i haven't seen him, or talked to him in just under 3 years.

until last week.

he messaged me about hanging out.
so i agreed thinking, you know its been three years, im sure he's changed.
so we got together saturday night over coffee and ihop and just talked and caught up.
then this evening we decided to hang out again.
and he kissed me.
hes an awesome guy, don't get me wrong.
but im super hesitant to let myself even think about liking him again.
and i don't know if ill ever be able to trust him knowing what he did last time.

On another note.
I am fucking disgusted by people.
If you really feel the need to be in control, go be in control of something thats inanimate. Something that doesn't feel, something you won't hurt.
Not a person.
I don't know what would make you ever want to do something like that ever, but its fucking disgusting and i hope you all live a life of hell.

blonde bombshell.

2008-09-17T01:20:00.002-05:00

yes. thats right. im blonde now. very blonde in fact. and im loving it.

nothing has really been new lately.
i have to go to the doctor cause ive have an insane lack of energy lately.
when im not working or out with friends, im laying down/sleeping. and even at work and when im out im still super drab and not nearly as energetic as i normally would be.

i can feel my sickness' coming on. i picked up some vitamen c from gnc this morning. i really hope it helps a bit. i also got this hair nail and skin formula with lottsss of biotin in it. im pretty excited about that.

i get to see melissa and hopefully bbychlz next weekend!!!! i miss my ladies so much. i can't wait to move to indianapolis. i need to see those babes so much more. eeeeep.

thats all for now.
nothing majors going on.
just the usual.

lovelove.

i was going to write about this anyways, then the second you told me not to, made me want to do it that much moooreeee.

2008-09-11T23:33:00.002-05:00

none of this would have started had she not opened her mouth and talked crap TO MY FACE about my best friend, knowing it would make its way to him.

I never once said anything about her hating him.
I never once begged anybody to back me up.
I never once did anything wrong.

Stop making me out to be the bad person, cause the people that actually matter, know im not a bad person. they know what i did was the right thing, and that i was not the one who started this.

This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me, my best friend, and the girl that started this. and thats all.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

2008-09-09T15:37:00.003-05:00

as most of you know, i am participating in the Making Strides walk in order to raise money for breast cancer research.
this is something that hits very close to home with me, and means the world to me.
if you would like to donate any amount of money, please feel free to do so.
I have set up a paypal account in order to make it easier for donations to be made.
Please feel free to visit my myspace page (www.myspace.com/__shitson) and click the donate button in my about me section.

if you would like to send donations to me any other way, please contact me via myspace (www.myspace.com/__shitson), facebook (search: caitlin handing), or AIM (screenname: caitlindashneyxo)

thanks everyone!

what i wrote to colleen.

2008-09-09T02:59:00.001-05:00

this is the exact message i wrote her.
she read it and never replied.
good.

"i know meredith just sent you a message, but i have things to say too. I don't want you in my life, not now, and probably not ever. I have an incredible father, an amazing sister, and the best friends i could ever ask for, and thats all i need and want. What you did is unforgivable and something ill never be able to understand. When people ask me why i never talk about my mother, i say its because i don't have one. They'll always respond with 'well, of course you have a mom, otherwise you wouldn't be here' and i always say no, it takes more than giving birth to a child to become their mother, therefore i don't have a mother. My dad did the most incredible job raising us and he has taught me to stand up for my self, do what i believe is the right thing, and to never let people walk on me or take advantage of me. So right now, i am standing up for what i believe in and doing what i think is right. Im telling you how youve made me feel for the past 11 years. After living a childhood in hopes you would come back, i finally got over the fact that you weren't my junior year of high school, and it felt amazing to not want you in my life any longer. I finally realized i don't need you to be happy or to succeed. I have everything and everyone I could ever ask for. I will tell you this, I am doing amazing. I am living my life the way I want to and i don't let things get in my way. Regardless of the fact that i lost my best friend and my everything(who just so happens to have been your mother)this year, I am happy because of the things she taught me and that she was the mother role in my life, not you. No person could have done a more amazing job with everything that has gone on with me through the years than meredith, my dad, and gandy. I have nothing left to say, except the only reason id ever want you back in my life, is for the money you owe my father, and thats it. nothing more. nothing for myself. just what he should have been getting for the past 11 years."

we're at the ground floor, but our numbers they only get higher from here.

2008-09-08T02:46:00.000-05:00

This isn't you.
You're not like that at all.
You're genuine.
And loving.
And caring.
Words never did you justice.
But these past days have been different, and I'm having a hard time understanding it.
What happened to you always being there.
And you being trustworthy and interested in things I had to talk about.
You used to always want to know what I had to say.
And now you couldn't possibly care less.
I am telling myself that I will never use the words best and friend next to each other in the same sentence ever again.
I've only had one best friend my entire life, and she is here no longer.
No one will replace her. No one will ever be my best friend any more. Especially not you and your immature tactics.

Going to mikes tonight for a good ol' cuddle sesh. Mucchhh needed.

Ps: this is your loss. I can learn to live with out you. You have fun trying to find another person that will ever do as much for you as I did.

i give up on the human race.

2008-09-05T21:24:00.004-05:00

no really.
it's really hard for me to believe people when they say there always going to be there for me, and that they care about and love me and that i can trust them.
but i believed you.
and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.
you've been there for me through it all the 2, almost 3 months i've known you.
and you've been nothing but amazing.
and now tonight, not only did you bail on your best friend, but you also tell her you won't call oto talk because god forbid you're having a good night and don't want to ruin it? gee. thanks.
you knew it hurt when you said you weren't going to hang out because the other person we'd made plans with couldn't.
you're making it seem like you didn't even give a shit if you saw me tonight at all.
like you didn't care that i was having a terrible day and that i was looking forward to seeing my best friend.
like all you cared about tonight was her.
like all you wanted to do was see her.
and be with her.
not me.

correct me if im wrong, but this isn't how best friends act, right?

story of my life.

2008-09-04T02:19:00.000-05:00

No, really.

I like a boy.
That boy likes me (as a friend, of course).
I can live with that.
That same boy, decides he likes a close friend of mine.
And that she's worth the effort of a somewhat long distance relationship.
And me? Nope. Still "just a friend".

I give up.

I can never win.

2008-09-01T23:49:00.000-05:00

Ha. I hung out with travis tonight. We came to the conclusion that neither of us can ever win. We're both accidents waiting to happen with the worst luck possible. But personally, I wouldn't want to live any other way. We decided that when we're 50, we're going to get together over coffee and reminise over the years about all of our terrible luck, nights in the ER, and the masses of problems we have with our bodies. Ha. I love my best friend.

Also. I wrote colleen a message. I told her I did not want her in my life, and explained my feelings and laid everything out flat. It was the most relieving thing I've ever done. It felt so good to get out everything I'd been holding in for the past 11 years.

guernica

2008-08-27T23:15:00.000-05:00

The only thing I want out of life is to see cancer defeated once and for all, for good.

That's all.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed, now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

2008-08-26T00:31:00.000-05:00

First things first: once I can afford it I'm moving to indianapolis. This towns really getting to me and it would be nice to be able to see the people that love and care for me most, more than like twice a year, even if it means living in a doll house and riding a tricked out razor scooter. Haahaha.

Second things second: I spent the night at my (guy) friends house last night and I've realized how good it feels to fall asleep in someone elses arms, even if you don't have romantic feelings for them. Its so comforting just knowing someones there and being held while you sleep.

And its going to happen more often and I'm damn glad about that.

Going to sleep happy.
I wish you the same <3

<3

2008-08-23T02:26:00.000-05:00

Scratch that.

I over analyze things way too much.

Amazing night. Yay.

when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

2008-08-21T16:55:00.000-05:00

I don't understand how people can tell a person how much they care about them, and that their best friends and everything then not show it. Not show their care or love for the person. It makes it so hard to believe anything you say. I know being out on the road is hard, and you're busy with shows and driving and everything, but I don't want to be treated like a best friend only when you're home. Its like you pretty much forget about me the second you leave.

uhm.

2008-08-16T12:01:00.000-05:00

Unofficial girlfriend?

What?

I'm lost.

oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying.

2008-08-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

I learned more things than I can remember but if I were to have only learned one thing from Gandy, it was to help others. To put others before myself. To give them the things they need or want, instead of getting my self the things I want.

Since her passing, I started helping more than I have before. One person in particular. He's an incredible person, with an amazing soul, and he deserves the best. He's been tight on money, and most of the time can't even afford to eat. I know that if it were Gandy in this situation, she'd be helping him, or had I been given the chance to tell her about his situation, she'd want me to help him. So I have been, and by me doing that it makes me feel as if gandy is still living, just through me now. It feels like she is the one helping him, because she is the one who taught me to live this way. I feel more satisfied with my life and I am personally a lot happier than I have been. Living this way is making dealing with her passing a lot easier.

A note to the person I've been helping: thank you for being there for me and for being the amazing person you are. I am truely grateful to have you in my life. <3

2008-08-11T20:59:00.000-05:00

I can feel all of my closest friendships diteriorating. After losing my best friend in the begining of july, I am now losing the people I hold closest to me, some for reasons that don't make sense, others for reasons that make perfect sense.

things are hitting me hard tonight, and this is what tends to happen when I sit alone and think about things too much. The bad things or overshadowing the good, and its affecting me a lot. I am an emotional disaster right now, and its even harder knowing I've lost the 2 closest people to me. One of which was out of my hands, which I'm trying to accept but really can't. The other, I've don't as much as I possibly can to fix and to make back to normal, but its in his hands what he wants to do. Its his choice and his decision. I have a feeling I'm going to have to learn to live with out him, which will take some getting used to, but I know I'm strong enough to do it.

There's only two people in my life that I really feel like I can trust and talk to right now. They are the only genuine people I have. The only ones that actually show the care about and love me. They're the only people that have brought any good to my life recently.

Yes I have other good friends and people close to me, but because of other people leaving me and me having obvious trust problems, I can't trust them as much as I wish I could, or hold them as close to my heart as I'd like to, in fear that they will also turn on me.

<3

2008-08-08T01:06:00.000-05:00

You always know the perfect thing to say in every situation and as hard as it makes it not to like you when you do that, I love it so much.

I have never met a single person as sweet, caring, loving, laid back, or genuine as you. Regardless of the short amount of time that I have known you, you've already changed my life incredibly. Only has what I'm about to say happened with two other people in my entire life. When I first saw you, before we met or spoke to one another, from the moment we made eye contact, I knew right away you were going to change and impact my life greatly. You have such an incredible soul, and I want to show that off to the world. I'm so happy and feel so privleged to be able to call you one of my best friends and one of the most astounding people that have ever graced my presence. Words don't do you justice. You're so much more than that.

Never change. You're perfect in every way, shape, and form.

I need to be honest with you

2008-08-07T00:36:00.001-05:00

And tell you how I really feel.
And tell you how amazing you've made my life.
And tell you how unbelievable you really are.

On another note, bitches need to leave my best friend alone! Just because he's happy, doesn't mean you have to be jealous and try to fuck shit up. You fuck his shit up (or even try to one more time), i'll be more than happy to fuck your shit up.
Got it? Good.

------

"I guess there's just a part of me that like to bring you down, just to keep you around. Cause the day you realize how amazing you are, you're going to leave me."

extreme weather can suck my dick.

2008-08-04T21:58:00.000-05:00

What an eventful night at work. It started off as just a thunderstorm, but of course it didn't stop there. Around 745pm it started raining harder and the wind was becoming more intense. Our windows and doors started shaking in and out. We had to escort all of our customers to our lower level lingerie department. Our power went out and we were told the mall was on lockdown (cause its out doors) and everyone had to stay in doors. We were told a tonado was sighted in elmhurst (one town north of us) and then were told no one could leave until the tornado warning was over. Of course, when I get nervous and what not I get anxiety attacks. Thankfully the one I got wasn't too bad. Just a little shaking and heavy breathing but I was fine. Finally the warnings over and everyone left. It was gross and lame and I hope that never happens again.

its been a while.

2008-08-04T10:16:00.000-05:00

About 11 months since I last updated this.

Gandy passed away on july 9th of this year. The breast cancer spread to her liver and was ditected too late. I'm not dealing with her being gone very well, but with the help of my 2 closest friends I'm doing alright.

My sister joined the army. She left may 20th for basic training and graduated that on july 26th. She's in san antonio for tech school now.

After 11 years of not speaking to me, my mother, whom I will refer to from here on out as colleen, found me on myspace and wrote me a message. She basically said how much she misses my sister and I and that she doesn't go a day with out thinking about us. And that she's always there for us.
I think its all bullshit. If she missed us that much and everything why did she send a letter? I lived at the same house up until 3 months ago. I don't understand her.

On a better note, I met one of the most genuine people I've ever known. I've only know him 2 months but we became very close very fast. He's so caring and has been there for me with everything that's gone on with my gandys passing and things with Colleen and drama with ex boyfriends and everything. He's amazing and doesn't even try to be. He's just himself and I think that's incredible.

I'm going to make a better effort to update this on a regular basis. I miss writting and how good I used to be at it.

ex|oh

"You just have to keep laughing, and you'll be okay"

2007-10-05T23:05:00.000-05:00

Gandy got diagnosed with breast cancer a couple weeks ago and just told me and meredith on monday.
We made a sudden trip down here on thursday morning on the train and we're staying till monday.
She's in stage two of five and she is going to get a lot of tests next week, along with her first chemo treatment on next friday.
she'll be bald in three weeks.
but its well worth it if its making the cancer go away.

shes my everything and its killing me knowing theres something wrong that i can't fix.
she's really depressed but keeps trying to make us laugh so its not as hard on us.

michael agreed to help me put together a cancer benefit show.
he said all i had to worry about was getting the venue and he'd take care of the bands and everything.
he's really been great to me lately.
he's been there for me through this.
making sure im okay.

matts been the same.
he sat on the phone with me monday night after i found out
just talking to me and trying to get my mind off of it and everything.

me and meredith are getting tattoos on monday.
we're both getting breast cancer ribbons with grandma and gandy written on/near them.
shes getting hers on her calf, and im getting mine on my back.
im really excited for it.
we're not telling gandy until after we get them done.
we really want it to be a suprise.

im getting tired.
im going to go to bed soon.

I love you Gandy.
I know you'll make it through this.

<3

Written July 18, 2007

2007-09-29T21:26:00.000-05:00

Every now and then in your life, you come across one person, who you know right away will impact your life greatly. Most of you will hold on to that person as if you were drowning and they were your lifesaver. Some of you won't realize it at first, but as the time goes on, and you grow closer and closer, you become more aware of why they're supposed to be there, and you accept that. Then there’s the ones who realize it right away, and everything is amazing, it feels like a movie, like you're on the big screen, playing a character so unlike your self. Once things seem to be perfect, like nothing can ever break you two apart from one another, you get caught up in something completely irrelevant to your relationship, and do something that doesn't fit your normal character, and everything crashes down. You lose that person you've grown so close to. It kills you to know that you've messed something so amazing, and so perfect up, that you can't help but beat yourself up over it. You wear out the word "sorry" to the point at which you don't feel like it has any emotion left in it. It took a little while, but once more, things get back to normal. This is where I fall. I have had many people in my life, good, bad, loving, hating, boys, girls, men, women, black, and white, and everything in between. But only a handful of people have been those lifesavers for me. They have been the only ones I’d beg and pled for forgiveness from. There is one certain person out there, whom will remain nameless, who meant more to me than 90% of my family, and pretty much all of my friends. But of course, i let something distract me, and get a hold of a side of me that i have never seen before. I messed things up. I don't regret anything in my life, but i do apologize for some of the things i have done. Some of you may know who this is about, and i know a lot of you will give me shit for it, but I don't care anymore. There has only been one swampthing in my life, and no one person, or group of people will ever be able to come close to how that person was to me

---

And this is the most meaningful responce i could have ever imagined getting:

From: cait
Date: 18 Jul 2007, 02:03

normally i dont, but i read that. then again. and again. although its in your 'heros' section, you can tell theres much more to it than that. that whoever this person may be, they were more than just a hero to you but a part of you. its rare to find people like that who will make such an impact. its probably even harder to keep them. i really liked what you said and the fact that you dont care who reads it because to you, it means something. time comes and goes but memories stay. i hope you find whatever you are looking for in this person. i always think that if you want something bad enough, you'll find it. after reading that, it seems like you want it pretty badly. but passion is good. that'll get you somewhere in life.

and you take me the way i am

2007-09-29T20:21:00.000-05:00

Me and Michael started talking again.
and im really happy about it.
some how he knew my weeks were going down hill
and he instant messaged me and told me that he cared about me
and that he really hoped everything was going to be okay.
he didn't know what to say after i told him about Jason.
Just like I still don't know what to say to Jenna about it.
Michael is having a really hard time right now.
He wrote this not even a week ago
This is my favorite entry of his ever,
only due to the fact that it is the only entry he has ever written
where its coming straight from his heart.
He isn't one to bluntly explain what is going on inside of him.
So this is something big for him.
Read On:

"Edema

i'll save you the trouble of having to look this up...

Edema-usually caused by heart failure. As the heart fails, pressure in the vein going through the lungs starts to rise. As the pressure increases, fluid is pushed into the air spaces (alveoli). This fluid interrupts normal oxygen movement through the lungs, resulting in shortness of breath.

if i could make myself into something better i would. i would take my delorean into the future and never come back. i'd interupt the past and make sure i never met anyone i knew. i'd completely isolate myself. i'd become a maniac. i'd reinvent (your exit) everything about myself. i wouldn't be recognizable. you know me as, babyboy, babybaby, babybabyboy, boy, jonny, michael, mike, mikey, michea'le. that's what everyone calls me. no one is the only user of any of those names, i am an entity. i am more of a commodity, always there and easily to take for granted, and advantage of. i prefer (the) boy (who lived). because that's what i want people to think about me. when i walk into the room and the sun sets and the piano starts, i want to be seen as the guy who made it through everything and did it on his own. but i dont think that man is who im going to become anymore though. because ive never told caitlin "no" before when she asked if i was okay. because me and billy surges have commitment issues. we invent problems with eachothers significant other just to get ourselvs out of it. we tell eachother 'its about time' and we move on. but it's really problems we have with ourselves. so for those reasons and many others, this might be the one that kills me people. i'm not a boy, and i can't hide behind my own innocence. the sheets are clean anymore. the walls are too small. my skin is either on too tight or not on tight enough, either way i feel like a stranger. i existed because i dreamed, and well, i dream no more. giving up on dreaming was a really hard thing for me to do, but i think i did it today. and i dont feel empty like mr. owens, i feel full. im overstuffed. i dont have alot to do, or alot going on. but there is certainly alot i'd like to get rid of. mostly people, mostly friends. i was happier with two or three friends. that was a better past. what the fuck happened to me. where did i go. i want to find myself again. i want to become who i thought i'd be right now. this is not where i thought, wanted, should, be. i am who i am though. i dont regret anything. im just changing the future. i dont want to be the person people come to with their problems because i have too many of my own to deal with. and truthfully, i do not care. most of your problems are incredibly self inflicted. and so are mine. so i wont bore you with mine, dont fucking come to me with yours. i dont care about your ex boyfriend or your abusive parents, i dont care about your bad grades or how youre getting kicked out of your house. i dont care that he cheated on your or that that she left you for your ex. talk to me about real shit and i'll care. not that i have any of my own, but if you want to keep reading, be my guest. i do not force anyone to be at my side. dont make it seem like you're doing me a favor by caring about me. dont be fucking fake to me. ive learned alot of things, and what ive taken to heart is that the truth comes out in the end. so why bother lying. everyone finds out everythign in the end. i have nothing to lie about. other than the fact that i can not express how much i hate my surroundings. it isnt living at home that im upset about. its fucking being here. its like a deathtrap. i feel unwelcome. in my own skin. with my own friends. but you see, the thing is. i cant just start all over. there is no going to a new school, or moving to a new town. my past will become my future. people move in patterns. i always make the same mistakes. staying home this year was a collasal mistake. dr. emmit brown, marty, and i were better off in 1955. im a simple mind, and i need a simple life. maybe rock island simple, maybe just alone simple. i will let you down at one point or another. and when i do i will stop at nothing to make it up to you. theres only a few people that i can honestly say have been through this with me through thick and thin. if you were mentioned in this, then youre one of them. and the rest of you know who you are. if you pulled on my backpack freshman year just to get me to notice you or if you rode your bike to dominicks to buy me a birthday present. like there was this one year where all of my friends used to bake eachother the grossest foods ever for our birthdays and we had to eat them. im almost crying thinking about how much i miss them. i guess i changed. i fucking hate it. i sort of started writing this creatively, then just sorta started venting. i dont have much more to say, or any real structure to any of it. but if you read it, just know its just me being honest. appreciate that for what its worth. accept that i am growing up, slowly, but i'm trying. i need to be a person im proud of. i need to be the man my parents raised me to be. alot of people have said that i'll never be shit, or that i'll never go anywhere. i want to be able to say "look at me now". i spent alot of time wishing i was younger, or that i could redo years and years of my life. now i know i wouldnt be myself if i hadnt. and as much as i hate who i am right now. i couldnt be anyone else. [the] boy [whos trying to make it out alive]. so like i said, im just trying to be honest, im writing from my heart. everyone reading this is going to be upset about one thing or another. ive been through everything possible. ive been betrayed, ive betrayed. ive been used, ive used. so nothing you and your friends will say is going to make much of a difference. im a rational, reasonable person. and i just gave up on being creative. i want to die on my own terms. which, id like to start living my life like that too. i want to go out my way, with my head clear. i want to live my life, no longer dependant of anyone else. stick around if you're into helping me become that person

ex's and oh's for...just for the sake it."

--
It took me a little while to respond to him.
But after a couple minutes a responded and let him know that i was going to support him no matter what.
Even if I were to be the only person there, I will always support every decision he makes.
Him being happy means more to me than anything else in this world, and even the world included.
Just to see/hear/imagine him smiling is the goal of my every day.
He has always been so great to me, and i never showed him how much i appreciate it.
He always supported me and helped me.
I learned a lot about myself because of him.
I have put him through hell and back, and to hell again.
And he is still here.
He still cares about me.
He still supports me in everything that I do.
He has such an amazing soul, and doesn't deserve to not be happy.

--

"If you were falling, I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say goodmorning,
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll making it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

Jason Scott Moseley.

2007-09-22T23:14:00.000-05:00

I went to your wake today Jason.
It was hard seeing all of my friends so sad.
You always made all of us happy.
You always got us laughing.
You had [have] such an amazing soul.
I wish there was something one of us could have done to make you as happy as you made us.
I will never forget your smile, or the great times we had.
But this my friend, is not goodbye.
I will see you again someday.
Ill keep you close my dear friend.

I love you.
I will miss you until I see you once more.
Take care Jason.
Once I'm off of my narcotics, im taking a shot in remembrance of you.

lack of sleep.

2007-09-19T09:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to sleep much lately.
Last night actually has a reason of why though.

My sisters been having really bad pains in her abdomin for the past couple days.
and last night they got really bad.
so I took her to the ER at around midnight.
after doing an ultrasound, they said she just has something viral
and to take over the counter pain medicine and that she'd be fine.
didn't get home till 5am.
and she just woke me up at a quarter to nine this morning
to tell me that shes in a lot of pain again.
so now im awake and probably have to take her to the doctor again.

i just want my bed.

RIP : Jason

2007-09-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

I got more bad news today.
A friend of mine commited suicide sometime saturday night.
He hung him self.

This is going to be a short entry.
I can't stand to think about this, or anything else, much longer.

I love you and I miss you Jason.
Rest In Peace.

fuck this.

2007-09-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

this has officially been the absolute worst 2 weeks of my life.

i hate my job.
it makes me hate my one true passion.
and puts too much stress on my life.
i had the worst day there today
and came home just in time for matt to break up with me.

everythings tumbling down.
i have nothing going for me right now.
nothing.

tokyo rose - i love you too.

As if my week wasn't bad already.

2007-09-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

fuck people that don't have licenses or car insurance and them causing accidents.

i got into my first car accident today.
four cars.
and of course i was in the middle of it all.
and the fucking lady at fault doesn't have a license.
has no insurance to pay for my car damages.
or my bills from going to urgent care.
and of course she had zero damage to her car.
and mines probably totaled.

fuuuuuuuuck.

then after going to urgent care, my sister was driving me [in the car that i just got into an accident with] to work so i could pick up my check
and the fucking hood flies up and covers the windsheild while we're on the highway.
thank god there was no cars on the road with us.
so we pulled over and got my poor baby towed.

andnow im at home.
and feel like crap.
and don't want to go to work tomorrow.

=[

Regardless of my health issuses and my job, im a happy camper.

2007-09-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

my chest is hurting again.
and i feel like im giving birth to my uterus.
i want a new job.
my current one is making me hate my one true passion.
i don't take pictures for my self any more.
with the exception of my photo-a-day with Ben.
but one photo everyday isn't enough for me.
i want to do photo shoots again.
i want Fabio [my 35mm] in my hands once more.
it used to be that the only two things i needed to be happy were:
1: Fabio
2: ILFORD 400 speed B&W film.
and now.
its like i couldn't care less about it.
its strange for me.
i love it so so much.
but my job right now makes me want to never pick up a camera again.

on the upside of today:
i picked up four new CDs.
and a movie.
and with today being over
that just means one more day till
i get to see matt again.
i haven't seen him in a week and a half.
its not long
but it's felt like forever.
I think its mainly due to the fact that i've been sick
and I haven't been able to see any body really.
I miss the kid.
I talk to him on the phone everynight.
and it seems that every time i get off the phone with him.
I just sit/lay there and realize how much i like the relationship i am in with him.
we're both really laid back, as is the relationship.
we don't go on super expensive fancy fancy dates
or get all mushy with each other.
we don't call each other pookiepie or schnookum.
everynow and then it'll be a hun.
but its really chill and laid back.
no pressure or stress, which is a first for me.
we hang out with people, but still have alone time.
we go mini golfing and have pajama movie nights.
we bicker in a good way
and make fun of each other all the time.

i couldn't ask for anything else.

Ebstein Barr Virus: Is It In You?

2007-09-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

i ended my night with one of those phone convorsations that made me think to myself "wow. i really do have a cute boyfriend"
yep.
i went to sleep happy last night.
today has been full of running around.
doctors appointment at 11am.
ultrasounds are always awkward.
went to work to check the schedule.
realized my manager is dumb.
after telling me that shes going to have me working morning shifts, and me telling her that i prefered it that way, she scheduled me to work basically all night shifts this next week and a half.
then i went to lunch with my sister.
chipotle is always good =.]
now im home.
and exhausted.
my energy still isn't normal.
i get tired and worn out very fast.
a friend of mine things i have Ebstien Barr Virus.
it basically means my immune system is shutting down.
supposably 80% of humans have it.
but everyone reacts to it differently.

anyways.
its nap time for me.

wish list: new immune system and $82340

2007-09-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

i hate being sick.
i've been stuck in my house since thursday.
which means im not working.
and im going to have medical bills coming up now.
for:
two ER visits.
cat scan.
blood work.
IV [fluids and antibiotics]
x-rays.
none of which im going to be able to afford.

on a better note.

today is matts birthday.
he can finally get into bars
and drink legally.
not like it ever stopped him before.

time to get back to cleaning.

write more tomorrow.