guilt.

i've recently realized the feeling of guilt is one of the worst feelings to ever come to me. I honestly feel guilty for not letting you back in my life, but at the same time, i don't want you back in my life. I still believe what you did is unforgivable and having you in my life is just a constant reminder of that. You have been trying so hard to help me, and i appreciate it. Half of me knows for a fact that if something serious were to happen to you, id kick my self for not letting you back in, but then the other half of me just keeps saying you've lived this long by yourself, so why would you need or want her now.


I need to start focusing on myself a little bit more, considering i really don't at all. its much easier for me to focus on others, and fix their problems and always put mine on the back burner. but i've come to realize thats probably not very healthy for me. I need to start be honest with my self, and realizing when i have problems and fixing them. Focusing more on my health, and mental and emotional states. Its going to take a lot of work, and im going to hate doing it. but i think its nessacary.