guernica

The only thing I want out of life is to see cancer defeated once and for all, for good.





That's all.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed, now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

First things first: once I can afford it I'm moving to indianapolis. This towns really getting to me and it would be nice to be able to see the people that love and care for me most, more than like twice a year, even if it means living in a doll house and riding a tricked out razor scooter. Haahaha.

Second things second: I spent the night at my (guy) friends house last night and I've realized how good it feels to fall asleep in someone elses arms, even if you don't have romantic feelings for them. Its so comforting just knowing someones there and being held while you sleep.

And its going to happen more often and I'm damn glad about that.













Going to sleep happy.
I wish you the same <3

<3

Scratch that.










I over analyze things way too much.

Amazing night. Yay.

when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

I don't understand how people can tell a person how much they care about them, and that their best friends and everything then not show it. Not show their care or love for the person. It makes it so hard to believe anything you say. I know being out on the road is hard, and you're busy with shows and driving and everything, but I don't want to be treated like a best friend only when you're home. Its like you pretty much forget about me the second you leave.

uhm.

Unofficial girlfriend?

What?







I'm lost.

oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying.

I learned more things than I can remember but if I were to have only learned one thing from Gandy, it was to help others. To put others before myself. To give them the things they need or want, instead of getting my self the things I want.

Since her passing, I started helping more than I have before. One person in particular. He's an incredible person, with an amazing soul, and he deserves the best. He's been tight on money, and most of the time can't even afford to eat. I know that if it were Gandy in this situation, she'd be helping him, or had I been given the chance to tell her about his situation, she'd want me to help him. So I have been, and by me doing that it makes me feel as if gandy is still living, just through me now. It feels like she is the one helping him, because she is the one who taught me to live this way. I feel more satisfied with my life and I am personally a lot happier than I have been. Living this way is making dealing with her passing a lot easier.


A note to the person I've been helping: thank you for being there for me and for being the amazing person you are. I am truely grateful to have you in my life. <3

I can feel all of my closest friendships diteriorating. After losing my best friend in the begining of july, I am now losing the people I hold closest to me, some for reasons that don't make sense, others for reasons that make perfect sense.

things are hitting me hard tonight, and this is what tends to happen when I sit alone and think about things too much. The bad things or overshadowing the good, and its affecting me a lot. I am an emotional disaster right now, and its even harder knowing I've lost the 2 closest people to me. One of which was out of my hands, which I'm trying to accept but really can't. The other, I've don't as much as I possibly can to fix and to make back to normal, but its in his hands what he wants to do. Its his choice and his decision. I have a feeling I'm going to have to learn to live with out him, which will take some getting used to, but I know I'm strong enough to do it.


There's only two people in my life that I really feel like I can trust and talk to right now. They are the only genuine people I have. The only ones that actually show the care about and love me. They're the only people that have brought any good to my life recently.

Yes I have other good friends and people close to me, but because of other people leaving me and me having obvious trust problems, I can't trust them as much as I wish I could, or hold them as close to my heart as I'd like to, in fear that they will also turn on me.

<3

You always know the perfect thing to say in every situation and as hard as it makes it not to like you when you do that, I love it so much.

I have never met a single person as sweet, caring, loving, laid back, or genuine as you. Regardless of the short amount of time that I have known you, you've already changed my life incredibly. Only has what I'm about to say happened with two other people in my entire life. When I first saw you, before we met or spoke to one another, from the moment we made eye contact, I knew right away you were going to change and impact my life greatly. You have such an incredible soul, and I want to show that off to the world. I'm so happy and feel so privleged to be able to call you one of my best friends and one of the most astounding people that have ever graced my presence. Words don't do you justice. You're so much more than that.






Never change. You're perfect in every way, shape, and form.

I need to be honest with you

And tell you how I really feel.
And tell you how amazing you've made my life.
And tell you how unbelievable you really are.





On another note, bitches need to leave my best friend alone! Just because he's happy, doesn't mean you have to be jealous and try to fuck shit up. You fuck his shit up (or even try to one more time), i'll be more than happy to fuck your shit up.
Got it? Good.


------

"I guess there's just a part of me that like to bring you down, just to keep you around. Cause the day you realize how amazing you are, you're going to leave me."

extreme weather can suck my dick.

What an eventful night at work. It started off as just a thunderstorm, but of course it didn't stop there. Around 745pm it started raining harder and the wind was becoming more intense. Our windows and doors started shaking in and out. We had to escort all of our customers to our lower level lingerie department. Our power went out and we were told the mall was on lockdown (cause its out doors) and everyone had to stay in doors. We were told a tonado was sighted in elmhurst (one town north of us) and then were told no one could leave until the tornado warning was over. Of course, when I get nervous and what not I get anxiety attacks. Thankfully the one I got wasn't too bad. Just a little shaking and heavy breathing but I was fine. Finally the warnings over and everyone left. It was gross and lame and I hope that never happens again.

its been a while.

About 11 months since I last updated this.

Gandy passed away on july 9th of this year. The breast cancer spread to her liver and was ditected too late. I'm not dealing with her being gone very well, but with the help of my 2 closest friends I'm doing alright.

My sister joined the army. She left may 20th for basic training and graduated that on july 26th. She's in san antonio for tech school now.

After 11 years of not speaking to me, my mother, whom I will refer to from here on out as colleen, found me on myspace and wrote me a message. She basically said how much she misses my sister and I and that she doesn't go a day with out thinking about us. And that she's always there for us.
I think its all bullshit. If she missed us that much and everything why did she send a letter? I lived at the same house up until 3 months ago. I don't understand her.

On a better note, I met one of the most genuine people I've ever known. I've only know him 2 months but we became very close very fast. He's so caring and has been there for me with everything that's gone on with my gandys passing and things with Colleen and drama with ex boyfriends and everything. He's amazing and doesn't even try to be. He's just himself and I think that's incredible.

I'm going to make a better effort to update this on a regular basis. I miss writting and how good I used to be at it.




ex|oh