Every now and then in your life, you come across one person, who you know right away will impact your life greatly. Most of you will hold on to that person as if you were drowning and they were your lifesaver. Some of you won't realize it at first, but as the time goes on, and you grow closer and closer, you become more aware of why they're supposed to be there, and you accept that. Then there’s the ones who realize it right away, and everything is amazing, it feels like a movie, like you're on the big screen, playing a character so unlike your self. Once things seem to be perfect, like nothing can ever break you two apart from one another, you get caught up in something completely irrelevant to your relationship, and do something that doesn't fit your normal character, and everything crashes down. You lose that person you've grown so close to. It kills you to know that you've messed something so amazing, and so perfect up, that you can't help but beat yourself up over it. You wear out the word "sorry" to the point at which you don't feel like it has any emotion left in it. It took a little while, but once more, things get back to normal. This is where I fall. I have had many people in my life, good, bad, loving, hating, boys, girls, men, women, black, and white, and everything in between. But only a handful of people have been those lifesavers for me. They have been the only ones I’d beg and pled for forgiveness from. There is one certain person out there, whom will remain nameless, who meant more to me than 90% of my family, and pretty much all of my friends. But of course, i let something distract me, and get a hold of a side of me that i have never seen before. I messed things up. I don't regret anything in my life, but i do apologize for some of the things i have done. Some of you may know who this is about, and i know a lot of you will give me shit for it, but I don't care anymore. There has only been one swampthing in my life, and no one person, or group of people will ever be able to come close to how that person was to me
---
And this is the most meaningful responce i could have ever imagined getting:
From: cait
Date: 18 Jul 2007, 02:03
normally i dont, but i read that. then again. and again. although its in your 'heros' section, you can tell theres much more to it than that. that whoever this person may be, they were more than just a hero to you but a part of you. its rare to find people like that who will make such an impact. its probably even harder to keep them. i really liked what you said and the fact that you dont care who reads it because to you, it means something. time comes and goes but memories stay. i hope you find whatever you are looking for in this person. i always think that if you want something bad enough, you'll find it. after reading that, it seems like you want it pretty badly. but passion is good. that'll get you somewhere in life.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
and you take me the way i am
Me and Michael started talking again.
and im really happy about it.
some how he knew my weeks were going down hill
and he instant messaged me and told me that he cared about me
and that he really hoped everything was going to be okay.
he didn't know what to say after i told him about Jason.
Just like I still don't know what to say to Jenna about it.
Michael is having a really hard time right now.
He wrote this not even a week ago
This is my favorite entry of his ever,
only due to the fact that it is the only entry he has ever written
where its coming straight from his heart.
He isn't one to bluntly explain what is going on inside of him.
So this is something big for him.
Read On:
"Edema
i'll save you the trouble of having to look this up...
Edema-usually caused by heart failure. As the heart fails, pressure in the vein going through the lungs starts to rise. As the pressure increases, fluid is pushed into the air spaces (alveoli). This fluid interrupts normal oxygen movement through the lungs, resulting in shortness of breath.
if i could make myself into something better i would. i would take my delorean into the future and never come back. i'd interupt the past and make sure i never met anyone i knew. i'd completely isolate myself. i'd become a maniac. i'd reinvent (your exit) everything about myself. i wouldn't be recognizable. you know me as, babyboy, babybaby, babybabyboy, boy, jonny, michael, mike, mikey, michea'le. that's what everyone calls me. no one is the only user of any of those names, i am an entity. i am more of a commodity, always there and easily to take for granted, and advantage of. i prefer (the) boy (who lived). because that's what i want people to think about me. when i walk into the room and the sun sets and the piano starts, i want to be seen as the guy who made it through everything and did it on his own. but i dont think that man is who im going to become anymore though. because ive never told caitlin "no" before when she asked if i was okay. because me and billy surges have commitment issues. we invent problems with eachothers significant other just to get ourselvs out of it. we tell eachother 'its about time' and we move on. but it's really problems we have with ourselves. so for those reasons and many others, this might be the one that kills me people. i'm not a boy, and i can't hide behind my own innocence. the sheets are clean anymore. the walls are too small. my skin is either on too tight or not on tight enough, either way i feel like a stranger. i existed because i dreamed, and well, i dream no more. giving up on dreaming was a really hard thing for me to do, but i think i did it today. and i dont feel empty like mr. owens, i feel full. im overstuffed. i dont have alot to do, or alot going on. but there is certainly alot i'd like to get rid of. mostly people, mostly friends. i was happier with two or three friends. that was a better past. what the fuck happened to me. where did i go. i want to find myself again. i want to become who i thought i'd be right now. this is not where i thought, wanted, should, be. i am who i am though. i dont regret anything. im just changing the future. i dont want to be the person people come to with their problems because i have too many of my own to deal with. and truthfully, i do not care. most of your problems are incredibly self inflicted. and so are mine. so i wont bore you with mine, dont fucking come to me with yours. i dont care about your ex boyfriend or your abusive parents, i dont care about your bad grades or how youre getting kicked out of your house. i dont care that he cheated on your or that that she left you for your ex. talk to me about real shit and i'll care. not that i have any of my own, but if you want to keep reading, be my guest. i do not force anyone to be at my side. dont make it seem like you're doing me a favor by caring about me. dont be fucking fake to me. ive learned alot of things, and what ive taken to heart is that the truth comes out in the end. so why bother lying. everyone finds out everythign in the end. i have nothing to lie about. other than the fact that i can not express how much i hate my surroundings. it isnt living at home that im upset about. its fucking being here. its like a deathtrap. i feel unwelcome. in my own skin. with my own friends. but you see, the thing is. i cant just start all over. there is no going to a new school, or moving to a new town. my past will become my future. people move in patterns. i always make the same mistakes. staying home this year was a collasal mistake. dr. emmit brown, marty, and i were better off in 1955. im a simple mind, and i need a simple life. maybe rock island simple, maybe just alone simple. i will let you down at one point or another. and when i do i will stop at nothing to make it up to you. theres only a few people that i can honestly say have been through this with me through thick and thin. if you were mentioned in this, then youre one of them. and the rest of you know who you are. if you pulled on my backpack freshman year just to get me to notice you or if you rode your bike to dominicks to buy me a birthday present. like there was this one year where all of my friends used to bake eachother the grossest foods ever for our birthdays and we had to eat them. im almost crying thinking about how much i miss them. i guess i changed. i fucking hate it. i sort of started writing this creatively, then just sorta started venting. i dont have much more to say, or any real structure to any of it. but if you read it, just know its just me being honest. appreciate that for what its worth. accept that i am growing up, slowly, but i'm trying. i need to be a person im proud of. i need to be the man my parents raised me to be. alot of people have said that i'll never be shit, or that i'll never go anywhere. i want to be able to say "look at me now". i spent alot of time wishing i was younger, or that i could redo years and years of my life. now i know i wouldnt be myself if i hadnt. and as much as i hate who i am right now. i couldnt be anyone else. [the] boy [whos trying to make it out alive]. so like i said, im just trying to be honest, im writing from my heart. everyone reading this is going to be upset about one thing or another. ive been through everything possible. ive been betrayed, ive betrayed. ive been used, ive used. so nothing you and your friends will say is going to make much of a difference. im a rational, reasonable person. and i just gave up on being creative. i want to die on my own terms. which, id like to start living my life like that too. i want to go out my way, with my head clear. i want to live my life, no longer dependant of anyone else. stick around if you're into helping me become that person
ex's and oh's for...just for the sake it."
--
It took me a little while to respond to him.
But after a couple minutes a responded and let him know that i was going to support him no matter what.
Even if I were to be the only person there, I will always support every decision he makes.
Him being happy means more to me than anything else in this world, and even the world included.
Just to see/hear/imagine him smiling is the goal of my every day.
He has always been so great to me, and i never showed him how much i appreciate it.
He always supported me and helped me.
I learned a lot about myself because of him.
I have put him through hell and back, and to hell again.
And he is still here.
He still cares about me.
He still supports me in everything that I do.
He has such an amazing soul, and doesn't deserve to not be happy.
--
"If you were falling, I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say goodmorning,
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll making it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
and im really happy about it.
some how he knew my weeks were going down hill
and he instant messaged me and told me that he cared about me
and that he really hoped everything was going to be okay.
he didn't know what to say after i told him about Jason.
Just like I still don't know what to say to Jenna about it.
Michael is having a really hard time right now.
He wrote this not even a week ago
This is my favorite entry of his ever,
only due to the fact that it is the only entry he has ever written
where its coming straight from his heart.
He isn't one to bluntly explain what is going on inside of him.
So this is something big for him.
Read On:
"Edema
i'll save you the trouble of having to look this up...
Edema-usually caused by heart failure. As the heart fails, pressure in the vein going through the lungs starts to rise. As the pressure increases, fluid is pushed into the air spaces (alveoli). This fluid interrupts normal oxygen movement through the lungs, resulting in shortness of breath.
if i could make myself into something better i would. i would take my delorean into the future and never come back. i'd interupt the past and make sure i never met anyone i knew. i'd completely isolate myself. i'd become a maniac. i'd reinvent (your exit) everything about myself. i wouldn't be recognizable. you know me as, babyboy, babybaby, babybabyboy, boy, jonny, michael, mike, mikey, michea'le. that's what everyone calls me. no one is the only user of any of those names, i am an entity. i am more of a commodity, always there and easily to take for granted, and advantage of. i prefer (the) boy (who lived). because that's what i want people to think about me. when i walk into the room and the sun sets and the piano starts, i want to be seen as the guy who made it through everything and did it on his own. but i dont think that man is who im going to become anymore though. because ive never told caitlin "no" before when she asked if i was okay. because me and billy surges have commitment issues. we invent problems with eachothers significant other just to get ourselvs out of it. we tell eachother 'its about time' and we move on. but it's really problems we have with ourselves. so for those reasons and many others, this might be the one that kills me people. i'm not a boy, and i can't hide behind my own innocence. the sheets are clean anymore. the walls are too small. my skin is either on too tight or not on tight enough, either way i feel like a stranger. i existed because i dreamed, and well, i dream no more. giving up on dreaming was a really hard thing for me to do, but i think i did it today. and i dont feel empty like mr. owens, i feel full. im overstuffed. i dont have alot to do, or alot going on. but there is certainly alot i'd like to get rid of. mostly people, mostly friends. i was happier with two or three friends. that was a better past. what the fuck happened to me. where did i go. i want to find myself again. i want to become who i thought i'd be right now. this is not where i thought, wanted, should, be. i am who i am though. i dont regret anything. im just changing the future. i dont want to be the person people come to with their problems because i have too many of my own to deal with. and truthfully, i do not care. most of your problems are incredibly self inflicted. and so are mine. so i wont bore you with mine, dont fucking come to me with yours. i dont care about your ex boyfriend or your abusive parents, i dont care about your bad grades or how youre getting kicked out of your house. i dont care that he cheated on your or that that she left you for your ex. talk to me about real shit and i'll care. not that i have any of my own, but if you want to keep reading, be my guest. i do not force anyone to be at my side. dont make it seem like you're doing me a favor by caring about me. dont be fucking fake to me. ive learned alot of things, and what ive taken to heart is that the truth comes out in the end. so why bother lying. everyone finds out everythign in the end. i have nothing to lie about. other than the fact that i can not express how much i hate my surroundings. it isnt living at home that im upset about. its fucking being here. its like a deathtrap. i feel unwelcome. in my own skin. with my own friends. but you see, the thing is. i cant just start all over. there is no going to a new school, or moving to a new town. my past will become my future. people move in patterns. i always make the same mistakes. staying home this year was a collasal mistake. dr. emmit brown, marty, and i were better off in 1955. im a simple mind, and i need a simple life. maybe rock island simple, maybe just alone simple. i will let you down at one point or another. and when i do i will stop at nothing to make it up to you. theres only a few people that i can honestly say have been through this with me through thick and thin. if you were mentioned in this, then youre one of them. and the rest of you know who you are. if you pulled on my backpack freshman year just to get me to notice you or if you rode your bike to dominicks to buy me a birthday present. like there was this one year where all of my friends used to bake eachother the grossest foods ever for our birthdays and we had to eat them. im almost crying thinking about how much i miss them. i guess i changed. i fucking hate it. i sort of started writing this creatively, then just sorta started venting. i dont have much more to say, or any real structure to any of it. but if you read it, just know its just me being honest. appreciate that for what its worth. accept that i am growing up, slowly, but i'm trying. i need to be a person im proud of. i need to be the man my parents raised me to be. alot of people have said that i'll never be shit, or that i'll never go anywhere. i want to be able to say "look at me now". i spent alot of time wishing i was younger, or that i could redo years and years of my life. now i know i wouldnt be myself if i hadnt. and as much as i hate who i am right now. i couldnt be anyone else. [the] boy [whos trying to make it out alive]. so like i said, im just trying to be honest, im writing from my heart. everyone reading this is going to be upset about one thing or another. ive been through everything possible. ive been betrayed, ive betrayed. ive been used, ive used. so nothing you and your friends will say is going to make much of a difference. im a rational, reasonable person. and i just gave up on being creative. i want to die on my own terms. which, id like to start living my life like that too. i want to go out my way, with my head clear. i want to live my life, no longer dependant of anyone else. stick around if you're into helping me become that person
ex's and oh's for...just for the sake it."
--
It took me a little while to respond to him.
But after a couple minutes a responded and let him know that i was going to support him no matter what.
Even if I were to be the only person there, I will always support every decision he makes.
Him being happy means more to me than anything else in this world, and even the world included.
Just to see/hear/imagine him smiling is the goal of my every day.
He has always been so great to me, and i never showed him how much i appreciate it.
He always supported me and helped me.
I learned a lot about myself because of him.
I have put him through hell and back, and to hell again.
And he is still here.
He still cares about me.
He still supports me in everything that I do.
He has such an amazing soul, and doesn't deserve to not be happy.
--
"If you were falling, I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say goodmorning,
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll making it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Jason Scott Moseley.
I went to your wake today Jason.
It was hard seeing all of my friends so sad.
You always made all of us happy.
You always got us laughing.
You had [have] such an amazing soul.
I wish there was something one of us could have done to make you as happy as you made us.
I will never forget your smile, or the great times we had.
But this my friend, is not goodbye.
I will see you again someday.
Ill keep you close my dear friend.
I love you.
I will miss you until I see you once more.
Take care Jason.
Once I'm off of my narcotics, im taking a shot in remembrance of you.
It was hard seeing all of my friends so sad.
You always made all of us happy.
You always got us laughing.
You had [have] such an amazing soul.
I wish there was something one of us could have done to make you as happy as you made us.
I will never forget your smile, or the great times we had.
But this my friend, is not goodbye.
I will see you again someday.
Ill keep you close my dear friend.
I love you.
I will miss you until I see you once more.
Take care Jason.
Once I'm off of my narcotics, im taking a shot in remembrance of you.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
lack of sleep.
I haven't been able to sleep much lately.
Last night actually has a reason of why though.
My sisters been having really bad pains in her abdomin for the past couple days.
and last night they got really bad.
so I took her to the ER at around midnight.
after doing an ultrasound, they said she just has something viral
and to take over the counter pain medicine and that she'd be fine.
didn't get home till 5am.
and she just woke me up at a quarter to nine this morning
to tell me that shes in a lot of pain again.
so now im awake and probably have to take her to the doctor again.
i just want my bed.
Last night actually has a reason of why though.
My sisters been having really bad pains in her abdomin for the past couple days.
and last night they got really bad.
so I took her to the ER at around midnight.
after doing an ultrasound, they said she just has something viral
and to take over the counter pain medicine and that she'd be fine.
didn't get home till 5am.
and she just woke me up at a quarter to nine this morning
to tell me that shes in a lot of pain again.
so now im awake and probably have to take her to the doctor again.
i just want my bed.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
RIP : Jason
I got more bad news today.
A friend of mine commited suicide sometime saturday night.
He hung him self.
This is going to be a short entry.
I can't stand to think about this, or anything else, much longer.
I love you and I miss you Jason.
Rest In Peace.
A friend of mine commited suicide sometime saturday night.
He hung him self.
This is going to be a short entry.
I can't stand to think about this, or anything else, much longer.
I love you and I miss you Jason.
Rest In Peace.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
fuck this.
this has officially been the absolute worst 2 weeks of my life.
i hate my job.
it makes me hate my one true passion.
and puts too much stress on my life.
i had the worst day there today
and came home just in time for matt to break up with me.
everythings tumbling down.
i have nothing going for me right now.
nothing.
tokyo rose - i love you too.
i hate my job.
it makes me hate my one true passion.
and puts too much stress on my life.
i had the worst day there today
and came home just in time for matt to break up with me.
everythings tumbling down.
i have nothing going for me right now.
nothing.
tokyo rose - i love you too.
Friday, September 14, 2007
As if my week wasn't bad already.
fuck people that don't have licenses or car insurance and them causing accidents.
i got into my first car accident today.
four cars.
and of course i was in the middle of it all.
and the fucking lady at fault doesn't have a license.
has no insurance to pay for my car damages.
or my bills from going to urgent care.
and of course she had zero damage to her car.
and mines probably totaled.
fuuuuuuuuck.
then after going to urgent care, my sister was driving me [in the car that i just got into an accident with] to work so i could pick up my check
and the fucking hood flies up and covers the windsheild while we're on the highway.
thank god there was no cars on the road with us.
so we pulled over and got my poor baby towed.
andnow im at home.
and feel like crap.
and don't want to go to work tomorrow.
=[
i got into my first car accident today.
four cars.
and of course i was in the middle of it all.
and the fucking lady at fault doesn't have a license.
has no insurance to pay for my car damages.
or my bills from going to urgent care.
and of course she had zero damage to her car.
and mines probably totaled.
fuuuuuuuuck.
then after going to urgent care, my sister was driving me [in the car that i just got into an accident with] to work so i could pick up my check
and the fucking hood flies up and covers the windsheild while we're on the highway.
thank god there was no cars on the road with us.
so we pulled over and got my poor baby towed.
andnow im at home.
and feel like crap.
and don't want to go to work tomorrow.
=[
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Regardless of my health issuses and my job, im a happy camper.
my chest is hurting again.
and i feel like im giving birth to my uterus.
i want a new job.
my current one is making me hate my one true passion.
i don't take pictures for my self any more.
with the exception of my photo-a-day with Ben.
but one photo everyday isn't enough for me.
i want to do photo shoots again.
i want Fabio [my 35mm] in my hands once more.
it used to be that the only two things i needed to be happy were:
1: Fabio
2: ILFORD 400 speed B&W film.
and now.
its like i couldn't care less about it.
its strange for me.
i love it so so much.
but my job right now makes me want to never pick up a camera again.
on the upside of today:
i picked up four new CDs.
and a movie.
and with today being over
that just means one more day till
i get to see matt again.
i haven't seen him in a week and a half.
its not long
but it's felt like forever.
I think its mainly due to the fact that i've been sick
and I haven't been able to see any body really.
I miss the kid.
I talk to him on the phone everynight.
and it seems that every time i get off the phone with him.
I just sit/lay there and realize how much i like the relationship i am in with him.
we're both really laid back, as is the relationship.
we don't go on super expensive fancy fancy dates
or get all mushy with each other.
we don't call each other pookiepie or schnookum.
everynow and then it'll be a hun.
but its really chill and laid back.
no pressure or stress, which is a first for me.
we hang out with people, but still have alone time.
we go mini golfing and have pajama movie nights.
we bicker in a good way
and make fun of each other all the time.
i couldn't ask for anything else.
and i feel like im giving birth to my uterus.
i want a new job.
my current one is making me hate my one true passion.
i don't take pictures for my self any more.
with the exception of my photo-a-day with Ben.
but one photo everyday isn't enough for me.
i want to do photo shoots again.
i want Fabio [my 35mm] in my hands once more.
it used to be that the only two things i needed to be happy were:
1: Fabio
2: ILFORD 400 speed B&W film.
and now.
its like i couldn't care less about it.
its strange for me.
i love it so so much.
but my job right now makes me want to never pick up a camera again.
on the upside of today:
i picked up four new CDs.
and a movie.
and with today being over
that just means one more day till
i get to see matt again.
i haven't seen him in a week and a half.
its not long
but it's felt like forever.
I think its mainly due to the fact that i've been sick
and I haven't been able to see any body really.
I miss the kid.
I talk to him on the phone everynight.
and it seems that every time i get off the phone with him.
I just sit/lay there and realize how much i like the relationship i am in with him.
we're both really laid back, as is the relationship.
we don't go on super expensive fancy fancy dates
or get all mushy with each other.
we don't call each other pookiepie or schnookum.
everynow and then it'll be a hun.
but its really chill and laid back.
no pressure or stress, which is a first for me.
we hang out with people, but still have alone time.
we go mini golfing and have pajama movie nights.
we bicker in a good way
and make fun of each other all the time.
i couldn't ask for anything else.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Ebstein Barr Virus: Is It In You?
i ended my night with one of those phone convorsations that made me think to myself "wow. i really do have a cute boyfriend"
yep.
i went to sleep happy last night.
today has been full of running around.
doctors appointment at 11am.
ultrasounds are always awkward.
went to work to check the schedule.
realized my manager is dumb.
after telling me that shes going to have me working morning shifts, and me telling her that i prefered it that way, she scheduled me to work basically all night shifts this next week and a half.
then i went to lunch with my sister.
chipotle is always good =.]
now im home.
and exhausted.
my energy still isn't normal.
i get tired and worn out very fast.
a friend of mine things i have Ebstien Barr Virus.
it basically means my immune system is shutting down.
supposably 80% of humans have it.
but everyone reacts to it differently.
anyways.
its nap time for me.
yep.
i went to sleep happy last night.
today has been full of running around.
doctors appointment at 11am.
ultrasounds are always awkward.
went to work to check the schedule.
realized my manager is dumb.
after telling me that shes going to have me working morning shifts, and me telling her that i prefered it that way, she scheduled me to work basically all night shifts this next week and a half.
then i went to lunch with my sister.
chipotle is always good =.]
now im home.
and exhausted.
my energy still isn't normal.
i get tired and worn out very fast.
a friend of mine things i have Ebstien Barr Virus.
it basically means my immune system is shutting down.
supposably 80% of humans have it.
but everyone reacts to it differently.
anyways.
its nap time for me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
wish list: new immune system and $82340
i hate being sick.
i've been stuck in my house since thursday.
which means im not working.
and im going to have medical bills coming up now.
for:
two ER visits.
cat scan.
blood work.
IV [fluids and antibiotics]
x-rays.
none of which im going to be able to afford.
on a better note.
today is matts birthday.
he can finally get into bars
and drink legally.
not like it ever stopped him before.
time to get back to cleaning.
write more tomorrow.
i've been stuck in my house since thursday.
which means im not working.
and im going to have medical bills coming up now.
for:
two ER visits.
cat scan.
blood work.
IV [fluids and antibiotics]
x-rays.
none of which im going to be able to afford.
on a better note.
today is matts birthday.
he can finally get into bars
and drink legally.
not like it ever stopped him before.
time to get back to cleaning.
write more tomorrow.
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