and you take me the way i am

Me and Michael started talking again.
and im really happy about it.
some how he knew my weeks were going down hill
and he instant messaged me and told me that he cared about me
and that he really hoped everything was going to be okay.
he didn't know what to say after i told him about Jason.
Just like I still don't know what to say to Jenna about it.
Michael is having a really hard time right now.
He wrote this not even a week ago
This is my favorite entry of his ever,
only due to the fact that it is the only entry he has ever written
where its coming straight from his heart.
He isn't one to bluntly explain what is going on inside of him.
So this is something big for him.
Read On:

"Edema

i'll save you the trouble of having to look this up...

Edema-usually caused by heart failure. As the heart fails, pressure in the vein going through the lungs starts to rise. As the pressure increases, fluid is pushed into the air spaces (alveoli). This fluid interrupts normal oxygen movement through the lungs, resulting in shortness of breath.

if i could make myself into something better i would. i would take my delorean into the future and never come back. i'd interupt the past and make sure i never met anyone i knew. i'd completely isolate myself. i'd become a maniac. i'd reinvent (your exit) everything about myself. i wouldn't be recognizable. you know me as, babyboy, babybaby, babybabyboy, boy, jonny, michael, mike, mikey, michea'le. that's what everyone calls me. no one is the only user of any of those names, i am an entity. i am more of a commodity, always there and easily to take for granted, and advantage of. i prefer (the) boy (who lived). because that's what i want people to think about me. when i walk into the room and the sun sets and the piano starts, i want to be seen as the guy who made it through everything and did it on his own. but i dont think that man is who im going to become anymore though. because ive never told caitlin "no" before when she asked if i was okay. because me and billy surges have commitment issues. we invent problems with eachothers significant other just to get ourselvs out of it. we tell eachother 'its about time' and we move on. but it's really problems we have with ourselves. so for those reasons and many others, this might be the one that kills me people. i'm not a boy, and i can't hide behind my own innocence. the sheets are clean anymore. the walls are too small. my skin is either on too tight or not on tight enough, either way i feel like a stranger. i existed because i dreamed, and well, i dream no more. giving up on dreaming was a really hard thing for me to do, but i think i did it today. and i dont feel empty like mr. owens, i feel full. im overstuffed. i dont have alot to do, or alot going on. but there is certainly alot i'd like to get rid of. mostly people, mostly friends. i was happier with two or three friends. that was a better past. what the fuck happened to me. where did i go. i want to find myself again. i want to become who i thought i'd be right now. this is not where i thought, wanted, should, be. i am who i am though. i dont regret anything. im just changing the future. i dont want to be the person people come to with their problems because i have too many of my own to deal with. and truthfully, i do not care. most of your problems are incredibly self inflicted. and so are mine. so i wont bore you with mine, dont fucking come to me with yours. i dont care about your ex boyfriend or your abusive parents, i dont care about your bad grades or how youre getting kicked out of your house. i dont care that he cheated on your or that that she left you for your ex. talk to me about real shit and i'll care. not that i have any of my own, but if you want to keep reading, be my guest. i do not force anyone to be at my side. dont make it seem like you're doing me a favor by caring about me. dont be fucking fake to me. ive learned alot of things, and what ive taken to heart is that the truth comes out in the end. so why bother lying. everyone finds out everythign in the end. i have nothing to lie about. other than the fact that i can not express how much i hate my surroundings. it isnt living at home that im upset about. its fucking being here. its like a deathtrap. i feel unwelcome. in my own skin. with my own friends. but you see, the thing is. i cant just start all over. there is no going to a new school, or moving to a new town. my past will become my future. people move in patterns. i always make the same mistakes. staying home this year was a collasal mistake. dr. emmit brown, marty, and i were better off in 1955. im a simple mind, and i need a simple life. maybe rock island simple, maybe just alone simple. i will let you down at one point or another. and when i do i will stop at nothing to make it up to you. theres only a few people that i can honestly say have been through this with me through thick and thin. if you were mentioned in this, then youre one of them. and the rest of you know who you are. if you pulled on my backpack freshman year just to get me to notice you or if you rode your bike to dominicks to buy me a birthday present. like there was this one year where all of my friends used to bake eachother the grossest foods ever for our birthdays and we had to eat them. im almost crying thinking about how much i miss them. i guess i changed. i fucking hate it. i sort of started writing this creatively, then just sorta started venting. i dont have much more to say, or any real structure to any of it. but if you read it, just know its just me being honest. appreciate that for what its worth. accept that i am growing up, slowly, but i'm trying. i need to be a person im proud of. i need to be the man my parents raised me to be. alot of people have said that i'll never be shit, or that i'll never go anywhere. i want to be able to say "look at me now". i spent alot of time wishing i was younger, or that i could redo years and years of my life. now i know i wouldnt be myself if i hadnt. and as much as i hate who i am right now. i couldnt be anyone else. [the] boy [whos trying to make it out alive]. so like i said, im just trying to be honest, im writing from my heart. everyone reading this is going to be upset about one thing or another. ive been through everything possible. ive been betrayed, ive betrayed. ive been used, ive used. so nothing you and your friends will say is going to make much of a difference. im a rational, reasonable person. and i just gave up on being creative. i want to die on my own terms. which, id like to start living my life like that too. i want to go out my way, with my head clear. i want to live my life, no longer dependant of anyone else. stick around if you're into helping me become that person

ex's and oh's for...just for the sake it."

--
It took me a little while to respond to him.
But after a couple minutes a responded and let him know that i was going to support him no matter what.
Even if I were to be the only person there, I will always support every decision he makes.
Him being happy means more to me than anything else in this world, and even the world included.
Just to see/hear/imagine him smiling is the goal of my every day.
He has always been so great to me, and i never showed him how much i appreciate it.
He always supported me and helped me.
I learned a lot about myself because of him.
I have put him through hell and back, and to hell again.
And he is still here.
He still cares about me.
He still supports me in everything that I do.
He has such an amazing soul, and doesn't deserve to not be happy.

--

"If you were falling, I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say goodmorning,
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll making it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.