when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

its hard not having someone to talk to about certain things.
when the person who is always and has always been there, all of a sudden isn't.
ive tried talking to you, but for some reason you choose not to respond to me.
i don't know if its because you were busy, if so it would be nice to be told that.
i don't know if you just don't care, lets hope thats not the case.





it would just be nice to have my best friend back again.



in other news:
my day sucked.

one:im not on my medication anymore, which means im feeling terrible. words don't explaing how much pain ive been in for the past 2 days. i've literally just been sleeping except for the couple hours i was out getting my car broken.

which leads me to two: my car died on me today. awesome. i drove all the way out to orland square mall, to pick up someone that wasn't there, and to have my car die on me. then had to sit there, alone, waiting for my dad to drive out a jump start it.

three: i got a message from colleen today. shes going through a divorce at the moment and decided she wanted to send me some of the things her soon-to-be ex gave her, so i could get them appraised and sell them so i can keep the money for anything i wish to use it for. school, medical bills, a car, moving, charity, anything. i don't know what to do. its one of those things where i could really use the money, but do i want her to think this is me letting her back in? because it sure as hell isnt.

and last but no least, four: i called my doctors office yesterday morning at about 11:30 and the receptionist took a message. one of his nurses called me back about 2 hours later asking what i needed to speak to him about and said she'd leave a message for him to call me back, and i have yet to get a call back. awesome. its been pretty much 2 days, and i have yet to hear back from my doctor about whether or not i can get put back on my medication and stop feeling like im dying.











i just needed you to pick me up...

ugh.

I hate the fact that im only 19, and I already have a life long health problem. And of course I can't afford it either. Not having health insurance, and having to go see a specialist doctor AND a $60/month prescription is killing me. Im 19 for godsake. I shouldn't have to do this.

I just needed you to pick me up, like you did when we were younger. when the lightening and the thunder had me clinging to your heart.

one thing inparticular has brought on my trust issues this week.

about three years ago, i met this guy that was my definition of incredible.
things were great, i liked him a lot, he made me think he liked me.
he even called me one minute after midnight on new years and said he wished i could have been there with him so he could have kissed me at midnight.
perfect.
that is until i found out he had done something ill never forget.
earlier in the day of new years eve he slept with my best friend at the time.
then still had the nerve to call me that night.
i found out about them together, and we had quite the falling out.
i haven't seen him, or talked to him in just under 3 years.

until last week.



he messaged me about hanging out.
so i agreed thinking, you know its been three years, im sure he's changed.
so we got together saturday night over coffee and ihop and just talked and caught up.
then this evening we decided to hang out again.
and he kissed me.
hes an awesome guy, don't get me wrong.
but im super hesitant to let myself even think about liking him again.
and i don't know if ill ever be able to trust him knowing what he did last time.


On another note.
I am fucking disgusted by people.
If you really feel the need to be in control, go be in control of something thats inanimate. Something that doesn't feel, something you won't hurt.
Not a person.
I don't know what would make you ever want to do something like that ever, but its fucking disgusting and i hope you all live a life of hell.

blonde bombshell.

yes. thats right. im blonde now. very blonde in fact. and im loving it.


nothing has really been new lately.
i have to go to the doctor cause ive have an insane lack of energy lately.
when im not working or out with friends, im laying down/sleeping. and even at work and when im out im still super drab and not nearly as energetic as i normally would be.

i can feel my sickness' coming on. i picked up some vitamen c from gnc this morning. i really hope it helps a bit. i also got this hair nail and skin formula with lottsss of biotin in it. im pretty excited about that.

i get to see melissa and hopefully bbychlz next weekend!!!! i miss my ladies so much. i can't wait to move to indianapolis. i need to see those babes so much more. eeeeep.


thats all for now.
nothing majors going on.
just the usual.


lovelove.

i was going to write about this anyways, then the second you told me not to, made me want to do it that much moooreeee.

none of this would have started had she not opened her mouth and talked crap TO MY FACE about my best friend, knowing it would make its way to him.

I never once said anything about her hating him.
I never once begged anybody to back me up.
I never once did anything wrong.

Stop making me out to be the bad person, cause the people that actually matter, know im not a bad person. they know what i did was the right thing, and that i was not the one who started this.

This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me, my best friend, and the girl that started this. and thats all.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

as most of you know, i am participating in the Making Strides walk in order to raise money for breast cancer research.
this is something that hits very close to home with me, and means the world to me.
if you would like to donate any amount of money, please feel free to do so.
I have set up a paypal account in order to make it easier for donations to be made.
Please feel free to visit my myspace page (www.myspace.com/__shitson) and click the donate button in my about me section.


if you would like to send donations to me any other way, please contact me via myspace (www.myspace.com/__shitson), facebook (search: caitlin handing), or AIM (screenname: caitlindashneyxo)


thanks everyone!

what i wrote to colleen.

this is the exact message i wrote her.
she read it and never replied.
good.


"i know meredith just sent you a message, but i have things to say too. I don't want you in my life, not now, and probably not ever. I have an incredible father, an amazing sister, and the best friends i could ever ask for, and thats all i need and want. What you did is unforgivable and something ill never be able to understand. When people ask me why i never talk about my mother, i say its because i don't have one. They'll always respond with 'well, of course you have a mom, otherwise you wouldn't be here' and i always say no, it takes more than giving birth to a child to become their mother, therefore i don't have a mother. My dad did the most incredible job raising us and he has taught me to stand up for my self, do what i believe is the right thing, and to never let people walk on me or take advantage of me. So right now, i am standing up for what i believe in and doing what i think is right. Im telling you how youve made me feel for the past 11 years. After living a childhood in hopes you would come back, i finally got over the fact that you weren't my junior year of high school, and it felt amazing to not want you in my life any longer. I finally realized i don't need you to be happy or to succeed. I have everything and everyone I could ever ask for. I will tell you this, I am doing amazing. I am living my life the way I want to and i don't let things get in my way. Regardless of the fact that i lost my best friend and my everything(who just so happens to have been your mother)this year, I am happy because of the things she taught me and that she was the mother role in my life, not you. No person could have done a more amazing job with everything that has gone on with me through the years than meredith, my dad, and gandy. I have nothing left to say, except the only reason id ever want you back in my life, is for the money you owe my father, and thats it. nothing more. nothing for myself. just what he should have been getting for the past 11 years."

we're at the ground floor, but our numbers they only get higher from here.

This isn't you.
You're not like that at all.
You're genuine.
And loving.
And caring.
Words never did you justice.
But these past days have been different, and I'm having a hard time understanding it.
What happened to you always being there.
And you being trustworthy and interested in things I had to talk about.
You used to always want to know what I had to say.
And now you couldn't possibly care less.
I am telling myself that I will never use the words best and friend next to each other in the same sentence ever again.
I've only had one best friend my entire life, and she is here no longer.
No one will replace her. No one will ever be my best friend any more. Especially not you and your immature tactics.








Going to mikes tonight for a good ol' cuddle sesh. Mucchhh needed.



Ps: this is your loss. I can learn to live with out you. You have fun trying to find another person that will ever do as much for you as I did.

i give up on the human race.

no really.
it's really hard for me to believe people when they say there always going to be there for me, and that they care about and love me and that i can trust them.
but i believed you.
and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.
you've been there for me through it all the 2, almost 3 months i've known you.
and you've been nothing but amazing.
and now tonight, not only did you bail on your best friend, but you also tell her you won't call oto talk because god forbid you're having a good night and don't want to ruin it? gee. thanks.
you knew it hurt when you said you weren't going to hang out because the other person we'd made plans with couldn't.
you're making it seem like you didn't even give a shit if you saw me tonight at all.
like you didn't care that i was having a terrible day and that i was looking forward to seeing my best friend.
like all you cared about tonight was her.
like all you wanted to do was see her.
and be with her.
not me.





correct me if im wrong, but this isn't how best friends act, right?

story of my life.

No, really.


I like a boy.
That boy likes me (as a friend, of course).
I can live with that.
That same boy, decides he likes a close friend of mine.
And that she's worth the effort of a somewhat long distance relationship.
And me? Nope. Still "just a friend".











I give up.

I can never win.

Ha. I hung out with travis tonight. We came to the conclusion that neither of us can ever win. We're both accidents waiting to happen with the worst luck possible. But personally, I wouldn't want to live any other way. We decided that when we're 50, we're going to get together over coffee and reminise over the years about all of our terrible luck, nights in the ER, and the masses of problems we have with our bodies. Ha. I love my best friend.

Also. I wrote colleen a message. I told her I did not want her in my life, and explained my feelings and laid everything out flat. It was the most relieving thing I've ever done. It felt so good to get out everything I'd been holding in for the past 11 years.