pound my knuckles hard against the floor. my head against the wall. i did this to myself.

I lot is going on.
Something is happening to me that I can't quite explain.
I haven't feel like myself lately, nor have i acted that way.
I am pushing away the person that means the most to me.
I don't want to lose another person that means this much to me.
I can't lose him.
No one wants me around anymore because of these moods.
And frankly I don't blame them.
I don't even want to be around myself when I am like this.
At the moment, I am not sure what it is that's triggering it.
Or how to prevent it, or make it go away.





I am so lost.
So confused.
and so alone in this.

well. apparently i forgot about this for a month

to catch you all up really fast:

im not moving to indianapolis anymore. at least not any time soon. im going to school instead.
i recently realized im in love with my best friend, and yes, he knows. and no, we aren't dating.
my birthdays in 3 weeks. i feel like im getting so old, so fast, and have yet to do anything with my life.
im starting to learn how to love trust and believe again.
im making A LOT of changes in my life, and starting to become okay with feeling certain ways and slowly learning how to deal with them.


as for this moment, this song is my exact feelings put into a musical form:

Sorry - Maria Mena

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry







take what you will from it.

i am going to address three people in this blog

but they will remain nameless.
when each of them reads what i wrote, they will know its for them, and who the other two are, im sure.
the rest of you will be left guessing.


person 1: I thought you couldn't stand me when i first met you. I got to know the others so fast, and became close with them almost instantly. With us, it took some time, but now, you really are my best friend. There's things that we share, that nobody else in our lives do. Things we've only experienced and things only we understand. You tell me the things I need to hear, and not the things i want to hear. You should be a personal advice-giver, and i believe that solely because i've never gotten a bad, or even anything close to bad, piece of advice from you. You're an incredible person, and everyone that knows you, i guarantee, will agree with me. You're what keeps me believing this worlds not gone dead.

person 2: We've had our rough patches, i think mainly because we're so similar with our personalities. Even though we may butt heads sometimes, I don't know what i would do with out you. You're still so young, but you're so smart. You've learned lessons, and have taught me some too. I wouldn't trade a single memory with you for anything in the world. I'm lucky to have a friend like you. so. lucky.

person 3: and one of the greatest people to ever enter my life. I go crazy every time i realize that i haven't known you long, at all, and yet i feel like ive known you my entire life. you have taught me so much about myself, and the way i am with other people, and have helped me fix the things i have felt needed fixing for a while. you taught me that its okay to love people and its okay to trust people. theres things about me that i know only you can understand, whether you realize it or not. I have never once in my life, been more comfortable with myself or around other people than i am when i am in your presence. i could go on for days about how incredible i think you are, and how i don't understand why you have insecurities. I do not want how close we are to ever diminish. i may sound crazy, but you are a big part of my life, and im sure you know that. i am so grateful to have met you and to have such a caring and loving person in my life and someone to show me light in the things i dislike most in myself. i think you're a better person than most people see. i love you so much, and i always will. there will always be a little section of my heart saved for you. you know i could use somebody, some one like you and all you know and how you speak.

i ran across

a song that i've loved dearly since the first time i heard it over a year ago.
though im not too fond of the band, or some of the members in it, the lyrics have a lot of meaning, and a lot of great memories for me. when i get the chance to, i will type out the lyrics and post them on here, but since its nearly 4 am, and im going to be waking up in about 5 hours, i will do that another night.

i've been incredibly lonely and partially depressed. im still not dealing with somethings the healthiest way or even at all. you would think since its been almost 8 full months, i would know how to live with out you, but its harder than i had expected. so many things remind me of you and everything you taught me. you were the most beautiful person, inside and out, that has ever entered my life. i know all you wanted was for me to be happy, healthy, and safe, and thats what i am doing. i've made so many changes in my life since you left, and the only reason i realized i needed to changed these things, was because of you. I can not thank you enough for what you have done for me and for just being the amazing person you were. i love you so much and i miss you more as the days pass by.


i laugh, because it reminds me everything will be okay.

i love you.
so much.

just. one. person.

I've had this intense feeling of loneliness over coming me lately.
along with another feeling I can't quite put a name to.
I've been feeling weird, not like myself.
I feel like I am messing up things that I love, and that I may lose someone close if I keep it up.
I am not realizing I am doing this till it is already done.
it's really starting to make me not happy.

I am sorry to anyone, predominately one person who knows who he is, that I have been acting weird towards these past weeks.
I've been spending a lot of time completely alone, meaning I've been spending too much time thinking about things and coming up with some absurd things and starting to make my self believe them.
I'm working on changing this. It is going to take time. But it needs to be done.


I haven't been myself, mainly this past 2 weeks.
Something inside me is making me feel different.
I can feel it starting to take over.
But all I want is for it to go away.






once again, I'm sorry.

from this point forward

i am NOT keeping my mouth shut.
this is getting ridiculous, and everyone knows it.
i will stick up for my friends, and my self, whether you want to hear what i say or not.



grow the fuck up and realize what you're doing.

i've come to realize.

that as much as i hate the saying, its true. i am hopelessly single.



i guess i've always been that way. i just never wanted to admit it.


bad night.

so its been a while

lets see.

i've decided to move to indianapolis.
ill be living there hopefully within the next 6 months to a year.
i've come to realize that i am happy with the person i have become/i am becoming.
its now been about 2 months since i've talked to my sister.
im proud of my self for standing up for what i think is right.
i have decided to make my self more "worldly", as drew put it, and am starting to read more and watch more movies.
im finally making that step to make myself happy.
its about damn time.




in other news.
this weekend was one of the best i've had in a long time.
i saw my babes from indianapolis.
met some chill new people.
got hit on by one drunk guy, and was offered into a hotel room and beer by another guy (don't worry, i declined.)
and the aftermath i am currently feeling, is not cool, but was totally worth it.
i have two things left to say:
1: I'm trying to fucking sleep.
2: stagefrightbrett.





i love my life.
end of story.

i am in indianapolis

again.

i leave to go home tomorrow night, and frankly i don't want to.
i have too much fun and feel completely like myself when im down here.
this feels more like home to me than any other place i have ever lived or traveled to.

if you can wait til i get home

then i swear we can make this last.


after that phone conversation last night, i really cannot wait to see you again. you reassured me of somethings i have insecurities about with out even knowing i had them. that says something big to me.











tell me something sweet to get me by.

hey darling

i hope you're good tonight.
and i know you don't feel right when i'm leaving.





i have realized that no matter how upset i am when i go down to indianapolis, every time i leave, i come home happy and relaxed and no longer stressed out. i just had the best week in indiana i think i have ever had. i made new friends, gained new nicknames, saw some great movies, and had a good time. getting sick and feeling as terrible as i do now was completely and utterly worth it, and i can absolutely not wait to do it all over again next weekend.











ps: the new a day to remember cd = amazing.

this past week

has been far too emotionally and mentally draining for me.
not to mention its going by unbearably slow and I just want it to be the weekend already so I can see my ladies.
Tomorrows the day I've been waiting for for a very long time now. I will wake up friday morning with a colorful arm and I can't wait for it.





We're at the ground floor, but our numbers, they only, get higher from here.

you prefer honesty

and yet you're no longer speaking to me because i was honest with you?
makes perfect sense.


get over yourself.

not knowing what to do

in certain situations really sucks.
i know the timing wasn't best for us, but does that mean in the future something wont happen? i know just friends is what we agreed on, but what about after you've focused on yourself and fixed the things that you felt needed fixing? i don't know if i should try to move on, or wait. i know you're worth the wait, but i don't want to put myself through a wait for nothing if its not going to happen.
on the other hand. there kind of is someone else. i haven't known him long at all, and i don't know how well i can trust him or depend on him to be there, like i can with you. a big part of me for some reason has a big feeling that he talks to others the same way he talks to me, but a big part of me also feels hes sincere when he says the things he says to me. i don't know if i should move on, or if i should wait. its a decision i almost wish i didn't have to make. you will always be a big part of my life, just as you have been the past years we've known each other. i don't want to move on, and risk what could be with us in the future, but i don't want to be stuck on you and not know what could have been with someone else.












this doesn't even begin to describe what my head and heart are going through right now.

i think its funny how

your actual family, can turn out to not be family at all.
and all those people you met along the way, become your real family.











i am so over this.

i just dont know what to do.

its hurting me so much to see you like this and i wish so badly that there was something i could do. i know what she did hurts more and more as the days pass, trust me i do. i hate her more than i can express for doing this to us, mainly you. you gave up you life for us, and you did not deserve this. im doing everything i can to get you to feel better, but it seems theres nothing i can do. im here, and you know that. i love you and thats all i can say for now.







things could definitely be better right now.
i want it to be january 30th already.
and i need a serious vacation right now.

well, I was told other wise.

I am very glad this ended the way it did.
Maybe its for the best we not be together, considering how good of friends we've been for 2 years now.
All I have wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to focus on the things that need fixing.
I care for you so much, and you know that.
You know that no matter what, I will be here to help and support you in any way I can.











In other news: you'd think by now, scientists would have come up with medications that are 100% effective.

these nights are getting colder and colder.

I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. The winter does that to me from time to time. Far more often than id like it to. I don't know if its simply because I always find myself staying up late, never with any body else, or if its simply because I am always catching my mind wandering off and thinking about something hundreds of miles away. Or maybe its both. Either way, I no longer want to feel it. I know if its my mind thinking of someone, I need reassurance from that someone to not feel the lonliness, but I don't want to need that anymore. I want to be able to just know with out being constantly reminded. I need to be able to trust that if that person felt a different way than previously stated, that they would tell me. But for now, I need the reassurance. Forgive me if im asking too much, this is just the way I was made.