im sitting on a coach bus

Next to a guy that talks like this guy I dated years ago.
He keeps laughing to himself and moving his news paper from his lap, to the window, then to the seat, then closer to his face. ADHD much?

Im about an hour and a half away from indianapolis.
Which really means im an hour and a half away from relaxation, excitement, and almost complete happiness.








I need food.

mondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymondaymonday.

Obvz I can't wait for monday.
Indianapolis for the week with amanda hotshotts and bbychlz.







Its about damn time.

guilt.

i've recently realized the feeling of guilt is one of the worst feelings to ever come to me. I honestly feel guilty for not letting you back in my life, but at the same time, i don't want you back in my life. I still believe what you did is unforgivable and having you in my life is just a constant reminder of that. You have been trying so hard to help me, and i appreciate it. Half of me knows for a fact that if something serious were to happen to you, id kick my self for not letting you back in, but then the other half of me just keeps saying you've lived this long by yourself, so why would you need or want her now.


I need to start focusing on myself a little bit more, considering i really don't at all. its much easier for me to focus on others, and fix their problems and always put mine on the back burner. but i've come to realize thats probably not very healthy for me. I need to start be honest with my self, and realizing when i have problems and fixing them. Focusing more on my health, and mental and emotional states. Its going to take a lot of work, and im going to hate doing it. but i think its nessacary.

so im sitting outside of work with our cleaning lady

Waiting for my manager right now. This is the most awkward situation I think I've ever been in at 6:54am. Its cold. Im tired. She smells and can't speak any english and just kind of stares at me.


I currently can't feel my toes and am not looking forward to work.


But what I am looking forward to is happening in a mear 9 days. And I can't wait.


:)

all i want for christmas is:

a new immune system.
and you to be here.







please, and thank you.


im going on week 6 of being sick, and its getting a little worse.
my throats a bit swollen and the nose is stuffed up with god knows what.

though i should sleep, i think im going to be doing some christmas shopping tomorrow. i only have 2 weeks left and haven't bought a single thing yet. ugh.

also, everyone needs to listen to the song Instant Pleasure by Rufus Wainright.
it makes me laugh.








goodnight for now.
miss you all.

I trusted my instinct for once

and it worked out the way I was hoping.

I was hesitant to bring that topic up with you, but im so so glad I did. I was worried things were going to go the way they commonly have in the past, but the fact that it didn't proves you're not the same as the others. I feel so relieved, and I am so happy things are working out this way. You truely are a great person.



the next 24 days are going to go by just as slow as the past week has.

as I look up to the sky to count the stars

I wonder if you see them where you are.






These past two days have been great.
The lack of sleep and the excess of cold weather was totally worth it.


30 days and counting.

im holding it against you

For knowing the words.
What to say to make my heartbeat stop.




Before I went, I knew going to indianpolis was something I needed really bad.
Little did I know, something I've wanted to happen for so long, did.
Now I have an aggonizing wait for wednesday. So I can unmiss the person im missing.









The people that matter know who im talking about, and I hope he does to.



A note to the person this is about: heavy blankets and cuddle sesh's. Nuff said.

tonights one of those nights.

ive been looking forward to finally hanging out with you for a while. you're one of my favorite people to talk to, mainly because you seem to have a light heart and always make me laugh no matter what. I'm just done with getting my hopes up and feeling like you just tell me we'll hang out so you don't have to tell me that you really don't want to hang out. I know what its like to be a busy person, trust me I do, but you honestly can't sit there and tell me you have no time to hang out or anything when half the time when i text you you're going out or you're already out or something. I know you have friends and everything, but the last time I checked we were friends too. Its getting old putting forth all of this effort for what seems like nothing. Feel free to let me know when you're finally free. Just hope that I am too.

well this past week was....eventful?

first things first: travis langolf can fall off the face of the earth for all i care. i have done nothing but good things for you and have been nothing but a great friend to you, and this is how i get treated? i was patient with you, i stopped talking to you and just let you come to me. but tonight is the end of all of this crap. what you did 2 months ago makes no sense, and wasn't called for one bit. i tried and put forth as much effort as i could let myself put forth and i got nothing. when you contacted me monday night i thought to myself "oh, maybe he has finally realized what he is doing." but like always, i was wrong. you bailed on me 2 days later, then continued to lead me on about other matters. i am beating myself up over this. telling myself i should have never trusted you. i should have never helped you. i should have never believed a word out of your fucking mouth. but how was i to know you'd turn out like every single other person i was ever like this with? i thought you were different, i thought you really did care, and you really werent like the other 2 ass holes in your band, but you are. and it hurts knowing thats what you've turned into.

honestly. i miss the days when you called me YOUR hayley williams. and when i would call you travis/caleb/martin/ryanross. and having dance parties to every type of music in dennys parking lots. and sitting in the hospital with you for 7 straight hours to make sure you weren't going to die. i guess i just miss having a best friend.















ps: amanda hotshotts is amazing. and i love you. and i miss you already. and i will forever be your faraway frank. and dont you worry.....my buns will be back there in noooo time =)

here's to starting over.

so i've decided on somethings.
theres things about me i need to change.
like my trust and commitment issues.
and i need to stop taking a lot of things so personally.
and that i need to rid of a lot of things in my life, mainly people and habits.

I deleted 214 people from my phone book, about 50 poeple from my buddy list, and approx 500 from my friends list on myspace. most of which were people i felt were a negative impact in my life.

I threw away 2 garbage cans filled with things from my past (notes, letters, cards, pictures, etc) that i don't feel the need to hold on to any longer. and i still have more boxes and things to go through.

it felt very relieving and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.




i have a lot of work to do on myself these next couple weeks.
don't worry, its all for the better.

fuck this. im done.

I am DONE with people. D-O-N-E. it seems the popular thing to do lately is to lead people to believe something that isn't true.
people need to grow the fuck up and stop being selfish and learn to care about other people and what you say to them.



don't tell me you promise we'll hang out then put forth ZERO effort.
don't tell me you care when you refuse to do a single thing to show it.
if you say you're going to do something then do it.
stop lying.
stop saying things to satisfy a person for that point in time.

well that was unexpected.

it honestly shocks me that you think it's that easy.
that you expect me to let you back in that easily.
especially with no apology whatsoever.











you're quite the character.

you always miss a best friend.

Reuniting with an old best friend next wednesday. I have a good feeling about this.

goodbye, lay the lame on luck.

I've lost numerous people in my time. Friends, best friends, family members, etc.
This time it just hurts so much more knowing I didn't do anything to explain you acting this way towards me. It hurts so much knowing I cannot call you my best friend any more, knowing you're chosing to no longer be in my life. Though you were only in my life physically for a couple months, you've changed the way I see people and I see the world, and you will be in my life forever, just as a memory. You have taught me more about myself and why I do the things I do than any other person I have ever encountered. Thank you for being there for me the times that you were there, and its going to be hard not having you there any more. I hope you live your dream, and I hope you are happy in whatever it is that you do. I love you and I always will. There will always be a spot saved for you in my life if you chose to come back.










"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."

when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

its hard not having someone to talk to about certain things.
when the person who is always and has always been there, all of a sudden isn't.
ive tried talking to you, but for some reason you choose not to respond to me.
i don't know if its because you were busy, if so it would be nice to be told that.
i don't know if you just don't care, lets hope thats not the case.





it would just be nice to have my best friend back again.



in other news:
my day sucked.

one:im not on my medication anymore, which means im feeling terrible. words don't explaing how much pain ive been in for the past 2 days. i've literally just been sleeping except for the couple hours i was out getting my car broken.

which leads me to two: my car died on me today. awesome. i drove all the way out to orland square mall, to pick up someone that wasn't there, and to have my car die on me. then had to sit there, alone, waiting for my dad to drive out a jump start it.

three: i got a message from colleen today. shes going through a divorce at the moment and decided she wanted to send me some of the things her soon-to-be ex gave her, so i could get them appraised and sell them so i can keep the money for anything i wish to use it for. school, medical bills, a car, moving, charity, anything. i don't know what to do. its one of those things where i could really use the money, but do i want her to think this is me letting her back in? because it sure as hell isnt.

and last but no least, four: i called my doctors office yesterday morning at about 11:30 and the receptionist took a message. one of his nurses called me back about 2 hours later asking what i needed to speak to him about and said she'd leave a message for him to call me back, and i have yet to get a call back. awesome. its been pretty much 2 days, and i have yet to hear back from my doctor about whether or not i can get put back on my medication and stop feeling like im dying.











i just needed you to pick me up...

ugh.

I hate the fact that im only 19, and I already have a life long health problem. And of course I can't afford it either. Not having health insurance, and having to go see a specialist doctor AND a $60/month prescription is killing me. Im 19 for godsake. I shouldn't have to do this.

I just needed you to pick me up, like you did when we were younger. when the lightening and the thunder had me clinging to your heart.

one thing inparticular has brought on my trust issues this week.

about three years ago, i met this guy that was my definition of incredible.
things were great, i liked him a lot, he made me think he liked me.
he even called me one minute after midnight on new years and said he wished i could have been there with him so he could have kissed me at midnight.
perfect.
that is until i found out he had done something ill never forget.
earlier in the day of new years eve he slept with my best friend at the time.
then still had the nerve to call me that night.
i found out about them together, and we had quite the falling out.
i haven't seen him, or talked to him in just under 3 years.

until last week.



he messaged me about hanging out.
so i agreed thinking, you know its been three years, im sure he's changed.
so we got together saturday night over coffee and ihop and just talked and caught up.
then this evening we decided to hang out again.
and he kissed me.
hes an awesome guy, don't get me wrong.
but im super hesitant to let myself even think about liking him again.
and i don't know if ill ever be able to trust him knowing what he did last time.


On another note.
I am fucking disgusted by people.
If you really feel the need to be in control, go be in control of something thats inanimate. Something that doesn't feel, something you won't hurt.
Not a person.
I don't know what would make you ever want to do something like that ever, but its fucking disgusting and i hope you all live a life of hell.

blonde bombshell.

yes. thats right. im blonde now. very blonde in fact. and im loving it.


nothing has really been new lately.
i have to go to the doctor cause ive have an insane lack of energy lately.
when im not working or out with friends, im laying down/sleeping. and even at work and when im out im still super drab and not nearly as energetic as i normally would be.

i can feel my sickness' coming on. i picked up some vitamen c from gnc this morning. i really hope it helps a bit. i also got this hair nail and skin formula with lottsss of biotin in it. im pretty excited about that.

i get to see melissa and hopefully bbychlz next weekend!!!! i miss my ladies so much. i can't wait to move to indianapolis. i need to see those babes so much more. eeeeep.


thats all for now.
nothing majors going on.
just the usual.


lovelove.

i was going to write about this anyways, then the second you told me not to, made me want to do it that much moooreeee.

none of this would have started had she not opened her mouth and talked crap TO MY FACE about my best friend, knowing it would make its way to him.

I never once said anything about her hating him.
I never once begged anybody to back me up.
I never once did anything wrong.

Stop making me out to be the bad person, cause the people that actually matter, know im not a bad person. they know what i did was the right thing, and that i was not the one who started this.

This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me, my best friend, and the girl that started this. and thats all.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

as most of you know, i am participating in the Making Strides walk in order to raise money for breast cancer research.
this is something that hits very close to home with me, and means the world to me.
if you would like to donate any amount of money, please feel free to do so.
I have set up a paypal account in order to make it easier for donations to be made.
Please feel free to visit my myspace page (www.myspace.com/__shitson) and click the donate button in my about me section.


if you would like to send donations to me any other way, please contact me via myspace (www.myspace.com/__shitson), facebook (search: caitlin handing), or AIM (screenname: caitlindashneyxo)


thanks everyone!

what i wrote to colleen.

this is the exact message i wrote her.
she read it and never replied.
good.


"i know meredith just sent you a message, but i have things to say too. I don't want you in my life, not now, and probably not ever. I have an incredible father, an amazing sister, and the best friends i could ever ask for, and thats all i need and want. What you did is unforgivable and something ill never be able to understand. When people ask me why i never talk about my mother, i say its because i don't have one. They'll always respond with 'well, of course you have a mom, otherwise you wouldn't be here' and i always say no, it takes more than giving birth to a child to become their mother, therefore i don't have a mother. My dad did the most incredible job raising us and he has taught me to stand up for my self, do what i believe is the right thing, and to never let people walk on me or take advantage of me. So right now, i am standing up for what i believe in and doing what i think is right. Im telling you how youve made me feel for the past 11 years. After living a childhood in hopes you would come back, i finally got over the fact that you weren't my junior year of high school, and it felt amazing to not want you in my life any longer. I finally realized i don't need you to be happy or to succeed. I have everything and everyone I could ever ask for. I will tell you this, I am doing amazing. I am living my life the way I want to and i don't let things get in my way. Regardless of the fact that i lost my best friend and my everything(who just so happens to have been your mother)this year, I am happy because of the things she taught me and that she was the mother role in my life, not you. No person could have done a more amazing job with everything that has gone on with me through the years than meredith, my dad, and gandy. I have nothing left to say, except the only reason id ever want you back in my life, is for the money you owe my father, and thats it. nothing more. nothing for myself. just what he should have been getting for the past 11 years."

we're at the ground floor, but our numbers they only get higher from here.

This isn't you.
You're not like that at all.
You're genuine.
And loving.
And caring.
Words never did you justice.
But these past days have been different, and I'm having a hard time understanding it.
What happened to you always being there.
And you being trustworthy and interested in things I had to talk about.
You used to always want to know what I had to say.
And now you couldn't possibly care less.
I am telling myself that I will never use the words best and friend next to each other in the same sentence ever again.
I've only had one best friend my entire life, and she is here no longer.
No one will replace her. No one will ever be my best friend any more. Especially not you and your immature tactics.








Going to mikes tonight for a good ol' cuddle sesh. Mucchhh needed.



Ps: this is your loss. I can learn to live with out you. You have fun trying to find another person that will ever do as much for you as I did.

i give up on the human race.

no really.
it's really hard for me to believe people when they say there always going to be there for me, and that they care about and love me and that i can trust them.
but i believed you.
and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.
you've been there for me through it all the 2, almost 3 months i've known you.
and you've been nothing but amazing.
and now tonight, not only did you bail on your best friend, but you also tell her you won't call oto talk because god forbid you're having a good night and don't want to ruin it? gee. thanks.
you knew it hurt when you said you weren't going to hang out because the other person we'd made plans with couldn't.
you're making it seem like you didn't even give a shit if you saw me tonight at all.
like you didn't care that i was having a terrible day and that i was looking forward to seeing my best friend.
like all you cared about tonight was her.
like all you wanted to do was see her.
and be with her.
not me.





correct me if im wrong, but this isn't how best friends act, right?

story of my life.

No, really.


I like a boy.
That boy likes me (as a friend, of course).
I can live with that.
That same boy, decides he likes a close friend of mine.
And that she's worth the effort of a somewhat long distance relationship.
And me? Nope. Still "just a friend".











I give up.

I can never win.

Ha. I hung out with travis tonight. We came to the conclusion that neither of us can ever win. We're both accidents waiting to happen with the worst luck possible. But personally, I wouldn't want to live any other way. We decided that when we're 50, we're going to get together over coffee and reminise over the years about all of our terrible luck, nights in the ER, and the masses of problems we have with our bodies. Ha. I love my best friend.

Also. I wrote colleen a message. I told her I did not want her in my life, and explained my feelings and laid everything out flat. It was the most relieving thing I've ever done. It felt so good to get out everything I'd been holding in for the past 11 years.

guernica

The only thing I want out of life is to see cancer defeated once and for all, for good.





That's all.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed, now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

First things first: once I can afford it I'm moving to indianapolis. This towns really getting to me and it would be nice to be able to see the people that love and care for me most, more than like twice a year, even if it means living in a doll house and riding a tricked out razor scooter. Haahaha.

Second things second: I spent the night at my (guy) friends house last night and I've realized how good it feels to fall asleep in someone elses arms, even if you don't have romantic feelings for them. Its so comforting just knowing someones there and being held while you sleep.

And its going to happen more often and I'm damn glad about that.













Going to sleep happy.
I wish you the same <3

<3

Scratch that.










I over analyze things way too much.

Amazing night. Yay.

when I say best friends, it means friends forever.

I don't understand how people can tell a person how much they care about them, and that their best friends and everything then not show it. Not show their care or love for the person. It makes it so hard to believe anything you say. I know being out on the road is hard, and you're busy with shows and driving and everything, but I don't want to be treated like a best friend only when you're home. Its like you pretty much forget about me the second you leave.

uhm.

Unofficial girlfriend?

What?







I'm lost.

oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying.

I learned more things than I can remember but if I were to have only learned one thing from Gandy, it was to help others. To put others before myself. To give them the things they need or want, instead of getting my self the things I want.

Since her passing, I started helping more than I have before. One person in particular. He's an incredible person, with an amazing soul, and he deserves the best. He's been tight on money, and most of the time can't even afford to eat. I know that if it were Gandy in this situation, she'd be helping him, or had I been given the chance to tell her about his situation, she'd want me to help him. So I have been, and by me doing that it makes me feel as if gandy is still living, just through me now. It feels like she is the one helping him, because she is the one who taught me to live this way. I feel more satisfied with my life and I am personally a lot happier than I have been. Living this way is making dealing with her passing a lot easier.


A note to the person I've been helping: thank you for being there for me and for being the amazing person you are. I am truely grateful to have you in my life. <3

I can feel all of my closest friendships diteriorating. After losing my best friend in the begining of july, I am now losing the people I hold closest to me, some for reasons that don't make sense, others for reasons that make perfect sense.

things are hitting me hard tonight, and this is what tends to happen when I sit alone and think about things too much. The bad things or overshadowing the good, and its affecting me a lot. I am an emotional disaster right now, and its even harder knowing I've lost the 2 closest people to me. One of which was out of my hands, which I'm trying to accept but really can't. The other, I've don't as much as I possibly can to fix and to make back to normal, but its in his hands what he wants to do. Its his choice and his decision. I have a feeling I'm going to have to learn to live with out him, which will take some getting used to, but I know I'm strong enough to do it.


There's only two people in my life that I really feel like I can trust and talk to right now. They are the only genuine people I have. The only ones that actually show the care about and love me. They're the only people that have brought any good to my life recently.

Yes I have other good friends and people close to me, but because of other people leaving me and me having obvious trust problems, I can't trust them as much as I wish I could, or hold them as close to my heart as I'd like to, in fear that they will also turn on me.

<3

You always know the perfect thing to say in every situation and as hard as it makes it not to like you when you do that, I love it so much.

I have never met a single person as sweet, caring, loving, laid back, or genuine as you. Regardless of the short amount of time that I have known you, you've already changed my life incredibly. Only has what I'm about to say happened with two other people in my entire life. When I first saw you, before we met or spoke to one another, from the moment we made eye contact, I knew right away you were going to change and impact my life greatly. You have such an incredible soul, and I want to show that off to the world. I'm so happy and feel so privleged to be able to call you one of my best friends and one of the most astounding people that have ever graced my presence. Words don't do you justice. You're so much more than that.






Never change. You're perfect in every way, shape, and form.

I need to be honest with you

And tell you how I really feel.
And tell you how amazing you've made my life.
And tell you how unbelievable you really are.





On another note, bitches need to leave my best friend alone! Just because he's happy, doesn't mean you have to be jealous and try to fuck shit up. You fuck his shit up (or even try to one more time), i'll be more than happy to fuck your shit up.
Got it? Good.


------

"I guess there's just a part of me that like to bring you down, just to keep you around. Cause the day you realize how amazing you are, you're going to leave me."

extreme weather can suck my dick.

What an eventful night at work. It started off as just a thunderstorm, but of course it didn't stop there. Around 745pm it started raining harder and the wind was becoming more intense. Our windows and doors started shaking in and out. We had to escort all of our customers to our lower level lingerie department. Our power went out and we were told the mall was on lockdown (cause its out doors) and everyone had to stay in doors. We were told a tonado was sighted in elmhurst (one town north of us) and then were told no one could leave until the tornado warning was over. Of course, when I get nervous and what not I get anxiety attacks. Thankfully the one I got wasn't too bad. Just a little shaking and heavy breathing but I was fine. Finally the warnings over and everyone left. It was gross and lame and I hope that never happens again.

its been a while.

About 11 months since I last updated this.

Gandy passed away on july 9th of this year. The breast cancer spread to her liver and was ditected too late. I'm not dealing with her being gone very well, but with the help of my 2 closest friends I'm doing alright.

My sister joined the army. She left may 20th for basic training and graduated that on july 26th. She's in san antonio for tech school now.

After 11 years of not speaking to me, my mother, whom I will refer to from here on out as colleen, found me on myspace and wrote me a message. She basically said how much she misses my sister and I and that she doesn't go a day with out thinking about us. And that she's always there for us.
I think its all bullshit. If she missed us that much and everything why did she send a letter? I lived at the same house up until 3 months ago. I don't understand her.

On a better note, I met one of the most genuine people I've ever known. I've only know him 2 months but we became very close very fast. He's so caring and has been there for me with everything that's gone on with my gandys passing and things with Colleen and drama with ex boyfriends and everything. He's amazing and doesn't even try to be. He's just himself and I think that's incredible.

I'm going to make a better effort to update this on a regular basis. I miss writting and how good I used to be at it.




ex|oh